Until This Day Our Hearts Have Yearned
by shinigami714
Summary: It was years ago that Fili left to train with Thorin, leaving Kili so very alone. The gap between brothers feels impossibly wide, but perhaps it's but a small dip in the road. Chapter 2 is a prequel, focusing on the relationship between Dwalin and Kili. Dwalin/Kili (gen), Fili/Kili, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Non-Con, Incest.
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** This was originally an excuse to write some short Fili/Kili smut. But I kind of turned it into a writing exercise, in an effort to get myself back into the swing of things. Last month I was very busy working on a cosplay of Zant from Zelda for Anime North! Sorry it's taken me so long to write anything. Please take note of the warnings. Also…I think my aim is to write a story for every line from Song of the Lonely Mountain, because I love it. Oh, and I'll be going away for a couple weeks around July/August where I'll hopefully be doing a lot of writing. Send me some prompts if you're interested! Pairings I'll write: Fiki, Dwori, Thilbo, Aidean, and Britchell I guess (though I'm not as confident with that one). And I'll take art requests as well! If you wanted something with Bofur, or Bofur/Nori I'm not opposed to the idea.

**Pairing:** Fili/Kili

**Warnings:** Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of Non-Con, Mentions of Violence/Blood, Scarring, Smut, Rimming, Incest

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**Until This Day Our Hearts Have Yearned**

Kili remembered the day his brother left with Thorin like the back of his hand. He'd watched the two ride down the dirt path until not a speck of them remained in sight. He'd stayed there through the entire night after, even when his mother pleaded with him to come to dinner. He'd sat and waited by that windowsill for a full week before he realized Fili wasn't coming back. Not for a very long time.

So it came as no surprise that he was shocked the day Fili finally returned. Thorin and Fili entered the front door with loud greetings, embracing Dis and laughing heartily. Kili could not bring himself to join them. Instead he stood and watched from a distance, half hidden by the doorway to the hall, while his eyes lingered on his brother. Fili had been on his mind constantly for the past forty years or so. The moment the other dwarf's back disappeared Kili had felt a deep void in his heart that could not be filled. He'd felt so alone, so empty. He'd thought of no one else, and he remembered so vividly the way his brother looked the last time he saw him. The dwarf before him now was a stranger.

Fili had clearly matured while away. Before he'd sported only the bare beginnings of hair upon his face, and now he had nearly a full beard, braided and beaded. His shoulders had broadened and his voice had deepened. There were even a few creases upon his face that had not been there before. His laugh was hearty and mature, and even his nose was longer than Kili remembered. Kili stared at him openly, wondering if the dwarf before him could possibly be the same one he loved and remembered so fondly.

Suddenly Fili's eyes moved and connected with his own, and Kili flinched slightly before looking away with a furrowed brow. Once upon a time Kili might have run towards his brother in greeting and embraced him much as their mother had. But now he felt so unsure about the stranger before him that he could not even look him in the eye. Kili clenched his hands tightly into the door frame before turning and moving to his room, what had once been _their_ room. Kili hadn't made many changes to it during the time his brother was away. Just looking at the bed across from his pained him, and touching Fili's things would have only made it worse. It was exactly the same, except for a few new items on Kili's side.

He sat heavily on his bed and let out a deep breath. How long he'd hoped and prayed for his brother to return home, and yet…now he was not so sure. How could things possibly ever be the same as they once had been? So much had happened, too much. And yet, just the sight of his brother had begun to fill that void he'd lived with for so long. He could not deny that Fili had grown into a very handsome dwarf. He was worthy of the title of king that he would surely hold one day in the future. Kili thought about the way he must look to his brother. Gangly and uncomfortable in his own skin, as though he'd grown into another's body altogether. A light knocking startled Kili from his thoughts and he looked up to find his brother leaning casually against the door frame. Their gazes connected, and for a moment Kili was lost in the brilliant blue of his brother's eyes.

"Kili," Fili uttered, and Kili's eyes skittered away nervously to look at his hands.

"F-Fili," Kili mumbled and he toyed with the quilt atop his bed. The room was filled suddenly with thick silence and when Kili swallowed anxiously it was loud as rolling thunder in his ears. Fili studied the room briefly, noticing the few changes on his brother's side. The blankets were the same old ratty things they'd both grown up with, but there were other things he'd never seen before. Weapons scattered along the wall, arrows strewn about. He pushed himself from the doorway, pulling the door shut behind him, and wandered further into the room, running his fingers across the items on Kili's side, new and old. His eyes lingered on the beautiful bow that rest atop the other dwarf's dresser. So his brother was an archer then. Fili chuckled lightly and lifted a corner of his mouth in a smirk. It was very fitting, Kili never was one to follow the typical path. Fili turned towards his brother once again and looked at him intently before he moved to sit next to him on the bed. The younger dwarf startled at the movement of the bed dipping beside him and looked up at his brother in surprise. Fili was smiling gently when he spoke.

"You've grown," he said softly, then the smile slowly faded from his face and sadness filled his eyes. Fili reached up a hand to brush his brother's bangs aside and Kili sat frozen in place.

"And I've missed it," Fili whispered, his voice full of regret. Kili's mouth opened and closed a few times, at a loss for words. But when Fili tugged lightly on one of his earlobes Kili choked on a sob and finally spoke.

"I've missed _you,_ Fili," Kili whispered the words as he struggled to keep his tears at bay. He felt Fili's hand move into his hair and tighten in the dark locks, and he saw his brother's lips moving from the corner of his eye.

"And I you," Fili answered, and then pulled him into a fierce embrace. Kili wrapped his arms tightly around his brother and pressed his face into the other's chest, allowing the few tears in his eyes to soak into Fili's tunic. It seemed not everything had changed after all. Fili's heart beat still sounded the same where Kili's ear was pressed against him, and his arms felt just as warm and comforting as they always had. And Fili realised that his brother, though so very much bigger than he remembered, still smelt as he remembered, of summer rain and the greenest grass, of forests and nature. He pressed his nose into Kili's hair and breathed deep, while he gave his brother a gentle squeeze, then pulled back to look him up and down.

"You're taller than me now aren't you?" Fili queried with a grin on his face and Kili sheepishly bit his lip. The older dwarf's eyes were immediately drawn there, observing the deep red of his brother's lips, and the fullness of them. His eyes flickered across his brother's face, taking note of his sharp cheek bones and the beginnings of stubble on his chin. He gazed at how Kili's lashes framed his eyes, and the slope of his eyebrows. Kili was more beautiful than he had ever imagined. Neither dwarf spoke for some time, both taking another moment to study each other. Then Fili flicked his brother's nose and nudged his arm.

"Tell me everything!" the older dwarf insisted and Kili raised an eyebrow in confusion, rubbing gently at his nose.

"Everything?" He asked, his voice still hushed as though if he spoke too loudly Fili might disappear again. But instead of moving away Fili began untying his boots, unbuckling each strap quickly, and heaving a great sigh as he finally removed them and tossed them on the floor.

"I want to know everything about you, every moment that I've missed," Fili spoke sincerely, looking at his brother while he fell back on the bed. Kili bounced a little and laughed lightly.

"There's not that much to tell," the younger dwarf muttered, as he picked again at the quilt atop the bed. Fili eyed him curiously and sat up a bit, propping his body up on his elbows.

"I've been gone for forty years brother! Surely you must have some great stories! Remember all the trouble we used to get into? Don't tell me you've given up on your pranks? I find that very hard to imagine," Fili pressed and Kili grinned at him, but it didn't quite reach his eyes.

"They weren't nearly as much fun without you," Kili said gently and for a moment Fili was unsure how to respond. He knew their separation had hurt his brother, but was only just beginning to see how much. He sat up fully again, looking at the other dwarf's profile. It was more angular than he remembered, though his nose was still thin and slightly upturned. There was one thing in particular that was very different. Kili's smile was strained. Never before had Kili needed to force a smile, seemingly finding joy in everything. However it looked now like it was the most difficult thing in the world just to lift the corners of his mouth. His face was drawn as well, he looked tired, and the closer Fili looked the more things he noticed. Like the tiny scars that riddled his brother's face and neck, and one in particular just beneath his left eye. It was stark white against Kili's skin and Fili reached out to run his finger across it gently.

"You mean without me to share in the punishment," Fili joked in an attempt to lighten the mood, but it fell flat and Kili just stared at him worriedly instead. The older dwarf frowned and brushed Kili's hair back behind his ear before stroking the scar again.

"What's this?" Fili asked gently, and Kili looked away, pulling his face from the other dwarf's touch.

"Just a scar…," Kili trailed off, and his hands moved to fiddle with his shirt instead of the quilt. Fili had never thought his brother the jittery type, but he seemed so very nervous, like he was afraid of what Fili might think of him. The genuine confidence Kili had once possessed was long gone.

"Balin used to say there was a story behind every scar. So what's the story behind this one?" Fili urged as he leant back to rest on his hands.

"It's nothing really, just got careless," Kili answered flippantly, but the hardened glare he received from his brother was enough to make him elaborate.

"I was hunting…and a wolf got the better of me. It was a little too close for comfort, for a moment I thought I lost my eye. But I'm fine, really brother! As you can see, I'm all in one piece," Kili insisted quickly, spotting the horrified look upon his brother's face. Though Fili might have once reprimanded his brother for being absent-minded, he could not bring himself to lecture the other dwarf now. After all, it had clearly been quite some time ago, and instead Fili was hit with the realization that not only had he missed his brother's growth, but also his life. He had not been there to laugh with the other dwarf in moments of happiness, or to drink ale at his side after a hard day's work. He had not been there to comfort the other during times of pain, or to mend his wounds after battles and brawls. And he had not been there to wipe tears from his face, and there had clearly been many tears. Fili's eyes were glued to the scar upon his brother's face and only one question came to mind.

"Are there others?" he asked softly, looking into the other dwarf's eyes when Kili turned his head.

"Other what?" Kili asked, clearly caught up in other thoughts.

"Scars," Fili spoke roughly, and he narrowed his eyes when his brother's breath hitched. He wasn't sure why it bothered him so much. His body had its fair share of scars atop it. Fighting and hunting had a tendency to yield such things, but something about Kili's reaction frightened him. And the more he looked at that scar beneath his eye, the more he questioned where it came from.

"Yes," Kili began, and he folded his arms around himself tightly. The two dwarves sat in silence for a while, Fili pondering while Kili rubbed gently at his arms as though trying to warm his body. Eventually Kili let out a sigh and whispered to his brother.

"There are many you would not like," he admitted, and Fili sat up fully in a hurry. A fierce possessiveness flashed through his mind, and he suddenly became angry at the thought of anyone laying a hand on his little brother. He despised the thought that there were marks upon Kili's body put there by anything or anyone other than him.

"Show me," Fili spoke heatedly, and he pushed Kili back onto the bed and began to lift his shirt.

"Hey!" Kili shouted indignantly, and tried to push his brother off him, but Fili just moved his hands to Kili's sides and squeezed. And then the most incredible sound came from his brother. Kili laughed. Loud and heartily, and finally, _finally_, his smile was real, complete, and not the shell of a smile that had been there before.

"You're t-tickling me brother!" Kili sputtered through his laughter and Fili laughed with him, completely captivated by the joy that filled his brother's face.

"I'm pleased to see some things have not changed, you're ticklish as ever!" Fili voiced and he moved to tuck his fingers under the front of Kili's tunic.

"Stop, stop!" Kili begged and he bit his lower lip and gripped at Fili's wrists. Fili snickered a bit but took pity on the other dwarf and instead splayed his fingers out gently over his brother's belly. As Kili caught his breath Fili looked over his form. He observed the rise and fall of the other dwarf's chest and the soft flush upon his cheeks. He'd missed this so much, just being with his brother, just being able to look at him and laugh with him. His eyes roamed further, down the other dwarf's slim body, to the bit of skin visible where Fili had just barely lifted Kili's shirt. And it was there he caught sight of a mark on his brother's hip, just above the waist of his breeches. Kili's grip had relaxed around his wrists so Fili moved a hand lower to pull the fabric down a touch and he gaped at the sight. Settled just on Kili's hipbone was a small tattoo of a sun, the rays wrapped around Khuzdul markings. Fili recognized Dwalin's work immediately in the ink work.

"Ûrzudel…," Fili murmured, and Kili opened his eyes wide and looked up at him timidly as his hands tightened again. But Fili took no notice, entirely focused on the dark patterns on his brother's pale skin.

"You…you used to call me this," Fili said and he ran his fingers across the mark, barely tracing the letters within it. He would never forget the day his brother came running up to him shouting it. It was one of the first words the other dwarf had perfected of the ancient language and he latched on to it immediately. Kili always said Fili's hair glistened like the brightest of suns, and that his eyes shone like the sky. Fili had thought it was just the ramblings of a child, that the other would surely forget the word one day, even if he never would. To see his silly nickname permanently etched on his brother's skin, and in such an intimate place, filled his heart with joy.

"I thought you would forget such a thing," Fili mumbled then looked up at his brother.

"Of course I didn't forget, you'll always be…my ûrzudel," Kili responded, and the word rolled off his tongue as though he spoke it every hour of every day. Fili shifted a little, moving his body to lie atop his brother and he pressed his nose gently against Kili's slightly smaller one. It was cold to the touch, but the air between them was warm with their combined breaths.

"Then you must remember what I used to call you," Fili queried with a raised eyebrow. Kili blinked a couple times but nodded gently against him, even in the confined space. The older dwarf smirked and moved to place his lips next to his brother's ear, while one of his hands entangled itself in Kili's dark hair.

"Good, because I thought of you every moment I was gone, my little raven," Fili whispered as he stroked his fingers through the soft locks. Kili shivered beneath him and Fili could not resist pressing his lips to the other dwarf's temple. Unlike the tip of his nose, the skin there was warm and Fili dragged his lips across it and down through the stubble on his brother's chin.

"Ûrzudel," Kili gasped out and Fili felt one of his brother's hands tighten in the front of his shirt. He did not stop however, completely entranced by Kili's skin as his lips moved down further to rest on the other dwarf's neck. He could feel each time his brother swallowed and every breath that caught in his throat, and Fili opened his lips and sucked there, finally allowing his tongue to graze the bare flesh. Kili moaned and jerked up into his body in shock. And Fili chuckled loudly, his lips open where they still pressed against Kili's neck.

"What? Why are you laughing?" Kili demanded, with only slight uncertainty in his voice. Fili sighed and pulled his brother close to his body.

"It seems we're not so different after all, you and I," Fili murmured, and when he looked up the other dwarf was watching him curiously with the remains of a deep flush upon his face. Fili pushed himself off his brother and began undoing his shirt while he watched Kili catch his breath.

"There's something I want to show you," Fili spoke and he smirked when the other dwarf's eyes followed his fingers as they undid clasps and buttons. When he'd finished, Fili stood and dropped his shirt turning his back towards his brother. He heard Kili's gasp almost immediately and turned slightly to see the shocked expression on his little brother's face. He knew what the other was looking at of course. The image of a raven stretched from one shoulder blade to another. The wings were spread wide, intricate feathers flowing out from them, and tribal markings filled the dark shapes.

"F-Fili…," Kili breathed, and he sat up and lifted his hands to press against the design. Fili leant back into his brother's touch and smiled lightly at him.

"Do you like it?" Fili asked, though he could tell by the disbelief and awe in the other dwarf's eyes that he did.

"That…that is not little! It covers your entire back!" Kili sputtered. Fili turned around and Kili's hands dropped slowly into his lap. The older dwarf moved closer and gripped his brother's chin, pulling his face up gently.

"You know, I dreamt of you, nearly every night," Fili said, looking into his brother's eyes.

"Sometimes they were complex. We'd have one of our great adventures, running through the nearby forests, just like when we were young. We'd climb trees together, chase rabbits, until we fell asleep in each other's arms," Fili described, and he moved a finger to run across his brother's lower lip. Kili's eyes were shining as he listened and he closed them as his brother continued.

"Sometimes they were simple, and it would just be you there in my mind's eye, sitting before me with a smile on your face. Sometimes I only saw your eyes, looking at me, or your lips, moving with your breaths," Fili admitted, and his finger tapped a few times against Kili's lip before he removed his hand. The older dwarf touched his brother's thighs and knelt on the floor so he was looking up instead. At the movement Kili opened his eyes again and looked down at the other dwarf.

"The more time that passed, the more they changed. My dreams of you turned…dark, dangerous. I saw you injured and bleeding before my eyes and I grew angry and spiteful. I questioned why I could not have you at my side, why I could not return to you. I even begged Thorin to let me leave, go back to you, to protect you, but he would not allow it. So I had this tattoo done," Fili explained while he reached up to tug lightly at Kili's hair. The other dwarf smiled at him shyly.

"I told him, if I could not have you at my side, I would have you at my back, and what better way, than to have your image cover it," Fili voiced. Kili snickered lightly and grinned so brightly that dimples appeared on his face.

"I bet uncle didn't like that very much," he commented and Fili shook his head.

"Thorin was so angry with me," the older dwarf reminisced, and his eyes drifted away as he recalled the furious rage he'd seen in their uncle's face that day.

"He said I would regret it one day, when I had to explain it was my brother's image across my back to my future spouse. That I was being childish and reckless, like you always were. That my actions were unbefitting of a future king," Fili drawled, his eyes far away.

"And…do you?" Kili asked, pulling the other from his thoughts. When Fili connected their gazes again he saw worry in the other dwarf's eyes.

"Do I what?" Fili asked.

"Regret it?" Kili immediately queried and Fili's gaze softened.

"I could never regret it, Kili. I told Thorin that too. After all, you are the one I plan to wed, and I very much enjoyed showing it to you," Fili confessed, his eyes never moving from his brother's face. The silence between them was deafening, and Kili just stared at him openly.

"That shut him up pretty quickly," The older dwarf joked, but Kili's expression remained the same.

"Are you…serious?" Kili asked, his voice no more than a whisper. He did not seem angered or upset by the other dwarf's words. Instead Fili saw desperation in his brother's eyes, and a fierce hope. He stood and gripped behind Kili's head, tugging lightly at his brother's hair and pulling it gently back. Kili gasped and allowed his head to move with the motion, until he was looking directly up at the other dwarf with wide eyes. Fili knelt on the bed, pushing one knee between Kili's legs and moving closer until his lips rest against his brother's.

"Yes," Fili whispered, moving his lips gently over Kili's until finally he pressed down fully, kissing his brother with a fierce passion. They tumbled down together on the bed, joined by their kisses as forty years of separation collided. They kissed away their fears and worries, as though they had never been apart at all. Neither dwarf questioned it, acting purely on instinct, for both of them knew in their hearts it was right. They belonged together, had always belonged together, and no amount of time apart would change that.

Fili pulled away from his brother's lips only to latch on to the other dwarf's jaw. He kissed a trail down Kili's neck to his collar leaving tiny wet marks in the wake of his lips. He'd dreamt of this so often. Of having his brother spread beneath him, while he listened to his soft sounds of pleasure. For years he'd though it strange, to love his own brother in such a way. He did not even know what the other looked like, what he sounded like. He had only their childhood memories together, and yet, his dreams had felt so real, so very convincing, and more than right.

Finally having the other dwarf willing and before him was unimaginable, and so much better than any of his dreams. Fili pulled apart his brother's shirt, sliding it off his shoulders as he kissed a trail down the center of the other dwarf's chest. Kili was groaning with need and panting irregularly as his breath continued to catch in his throat. He trembled slightly as the tender kisses left behind cold patches on his burning skin. Fili reached his brother's navel, and he blew a single breath of warm air on it before dipping his tongue into the sensitive flesh. He felt Kili's body shake and moved to press a solitary kiss just above the navel before resting his head against the other dwarf's belly. Even there he could still feel the rhythmic beating of his brother's heart.

Fili stayed like that for a few moments, just running his fingers lightly up his brother's sides. Suddenly his eyes locked onto the tattoo on his brother's hip, bold against the pale skin, and he brought a hand down to touch it again.

"Why did you have this done brother?" Fili asked, as he traced his thumb in a circular shape around the image.

"Because I'm yours," Kili spoke, his voice filled with more surety than Fili had heard since long before he had left. Back when Kili had nothing in his way and his dreams reached the farthest of stars. Fili smiled and moved to kiss over the tattoo, laughing lightly when gooseflesh rose across his brother's hip.

He pulled back to look at the design closely, running his fingers over every shape within it, until his thumb caught slightly on a raised ridge. Fili eyed the marking curiously, and thumbed over the faint bump, noting how the skin there felt tougher than the surrounding area.

"Was…there a scar here brother?" Fili asked hesitantly, worried that he might not like his brother's answer. In the end Kili said nothing, and when Fili looked up his brother chewed on his lips with uncertainty in his eyes. It was not the answer Fili was hoping for and he narrowed his eyes before pulling back and looking back down at his brother's hips. He ran his finger along the edge of the other dwarf's breeches, frowning further when Kili cringed and tensed at the touch. Fili moved quickly, pulling down the waist further with both fingers, exposing the other dwarf's abdomen fully.

"Fili, don't!" Kili shouted, reaching to grasp his brother's hands, but Fili's grip was strong and it was too late. The older dwarf nearly growled at the sight before him. Long scars ran across his brother's skin, from hip to hip.

"Where on earth did you get these from brother?" Fili roared as he gripped his brother's waist tightly. Shame washed across Kili's face and Fili loosened his hold before speaking again, this time in a slightly softer tone.

"Kili, where did you get these scars?" he demanded, trying with little success to keep the absolute rage from his voice.

"I told you…there were many you would not like," Kili whispered on the verge of tears and he reached up to cover his face with an arm.

"Kili…please, tell me, who did this to you?" Fili pleaded with his brother to answer him, this time running a soothing hand under his brother's back. When his brother began he listened, his eyes glued to the other dwarf's form.

"It…it happened one night in town," Kili hesitantly started, his voice soft and unsteady, though his arm still hung across his face.

"I was at a tavern of men, with some of the other dwarves. It was…ten years ago or so. Dwalin took me there, to celebrate a successful hunt. I drank a bit too much, just enough to blur my vision and muddle my mind, but not enough to make me sick and stumbling," Kili uttered, and the same strained smile as before appeared upon his lips.

"I stepped outside, just for a moment, to clear my head a bit and get some air…but..," Kili stopped, unable to continue and his lips shook as he tried to find his words.

"But what?" Fili urged gently, fearing what his brother was implying.

"One of the men from the tavern cornered me. I guess he thought I was pretty, he said as much. The men of the town have always whispered strange things about me," Kili's voice was bitter as he continued and Fili's eyes hardened at his words.

"I tried to refuse him, pushed him away but…I was always slighter and he was so much taller…it seemed like he towered over me. Still, it's no excuse, I should have been able to fight him, I should have been stronger," Kili spat, the resentment audible in his voice. Fili's hands tightened in his brother's sides and he lowered his head, completely livid.

"Before I knew it…my…my coverings were pushed down, and he...he h-had a knife to my skin. I froze. I've never felt fear like that before," Kili stuttered, finally allowing tears to run from the corners of his eyes. Fili's hands were shaking where they gripped his brother, and he loosened his hold lest he bruise the other dwarf.

"You must think me pretty pathetic. A grown dwarf that can't even fight off a single man," Kili muttered through soft sobs, and Fili exhaled irritably.

"You mistake my anger brother. I am not displeased with you, but seething with rage at the mere notion that a man thought to hold a knife to you, to mark you," Fili explained and Kili uncovered his face, looking up at his brother with glassy eyes.

"H-he did not get very far," Kili spoke unconvincingly, and Fili raised his hands in the air heatedly.

"He touched you! He got far enough to leave these marks on you! Who was it? I'll find them, I'll tear their throat out, cut their fingers off one by one," Fili insisted moving his hands to either side of Kili's head as he lent close to the other dwarf's face. Kili swallowed nervously as he looked into his brother's eyes.

"He's already dead. Dwalin killed him," Kili muttered.

"Beat him bloody then and there, made him suffer," Kili laughed bitterly, a pained smile upon his lips once more.

"He was outraged, that a man dare touch a 'prince of Erebor' in such a way," Kili whispered and he turned his head to the side to look away. Fili stared down at his little brother, unsure whether he should be relieved at the prospect that the man was gone, or upset that he had not been to one to do it. Fili took a moment to calm down as he watched Kili huddle his nose into his wrist. His brother did not need his anger now; he needed his support, his comfort, his love. Fili moved a hand beneath his brother's cheekbone and pulled the other dwarf's face back towards him.

"He deserved no less. I only wish it had been me that took his life. I should have been with you," Fili lamented, running his fingers gently through Kili's hair.

"Remind me to thank Dwalin, I'm glad you had someone looking after you while I could not," he said and Kili pouted at him slightly.

"I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself!" Kili hissed, but all Fili had to do was glance down at the marks upon his brother's skin and Kili gave up his fight. As Fili continued to stroke Kili's hair, another thought struck him. There was something that his brother had been very vague about, glossing over in his story.

"Exactly how far did he get, Kili?" Fili asked, and again his brother did not answer. Kili licked his lips and blinked a few times but said nothing, though when his eyes connected with Fili's they spoke volumes.

"There are more, aren't there," Fili asked sadly as he ran his fingers across the white scar tissue on Kili's body, and Kili closed his eyes and barely nodded.

"Where?" Fili asked gently. Kili opened his eyes again, remaining silent, but his slight glance down his own body led Fili in the right direction. Fili sat up fully, moving his fingers to stroke along the edge of Kili's pants, hooking them beneath his smallclothes as well. He breathed in deeply, and braced himself before nudging his brother to lift his hips so he could slide his breeches down. This time Kili offered no complaint, and allowed Fili to remove them, though his fingers gripped the bedding beneath him fiercely.

What should have been a remarkable and sensual moment for Fili was greatly diminished by the sight before him. Kili's thighs were completely covered in long sinewy scars, as though someone had taken the time to cut between them with precision and great focus. Fili recognized that the man who touched his brother had not been drunk, but instead knew exactly what he was doing, and it only angered him more.

The thought that disturbed him most however, was how his brother must have looked after such an attack. Trembling and bleeding on a dirty road outside a tavern. Violated beyond comprehension, while he fought through the pain as the sounds of drunken men echoed from inside. And he had not been there, to hold him and comfort him, whisper into his ear that everything would be alright. He had not been there to drive a blade into the man that had attacked his little brother. And he would have, repeatedly, only after cutting off both his hands and cock. He could only hope the god of men would give life to his brother's attacker once more, so that Fili could hunt him through each lifetime, and make him suffer for his deeds eternally.

Fili pulled his brother's legs completely from his coverings, and sat between them, holding onto Kili's thighs gently. Despite the sorrow he felt upon seeing such hatred etched on the other dwarf's skin, Fili still thought his brother beautiful. He took the time to touch each and every scar, running his fingers down their lengths, wishing they would disappear in his wake. But still they remained, and Fili could do nothing but look, and make sure his brother no longer felt shamed. He bent and kissed along the other's inner thighs, then followed his earlier path with his tongue, making sure not to miss a spot. Kili shuddered a bit and covered his mouth with a hand, while the other tightened still in the blankets beneath them.

"Where did he touch you?" Fili asked as his lips grazed his brother's skin. His voice was full of sorrow, and he desperately hoped the other still retained a small amount of innocence.

"He wasn't my one…Fili, it felt so wrong, so very wrong," Kili whimpered, caught in the memory of that day. Fili ran his fingers across his brother, gently toying with the dark hairs between his legs.

"I...his fingers were everywhere. On me…in me…,I hated it, oh Mahal, I hated it so much," Kili cried as he tried to recount the events.

"I remember feeling him pressing against me…it hurt, and he was pushing in. Then it was over, as suddenly as it had started, and I was on the ground. I could hear his screams, and Dwalin shouting. He was furious," Kili choked out. Fili could understand why.

"There was blood everywhere in the alley…his body, was unrecognizable, and it was on my hands as well, my legs. When I looked over, Dwalin was shaking him, yelling at him. _He's not yours, he's not yours_, he roared it over and over," Kili sobbed, and then he gasped and looked down in shock when his brother's tongue licked along his length.

"Does it feel wrong when I touch you brother," Fili asked, looking tentatively up at the other dwarf. Kili wiped his eyes, his thoughts rampant, and he moaned heatedly and without shame when Fili's tongue moved lower into the creases of his legs.

"No. It feels…perfect," Kili voiced. Fili closed his eyes briefly as he placed light kisses on Kili's body. He would do anything to replace his brother's memories, though he knew that was impossible. Instead he would just have to make new ones.

"Then think of nothing else little raven, nothing but my fingers on your skin, and my lips on your body. Remember only how this feels, my one," Fili drawled, and he gently pulled his brother's legs apart, eyeing the puckered entrance between them. For now he would forget that another had touched his brother before he had, he would forget where the scars upon his skin came from. Instead Fili would think only of pleasing his one, and he moved forward, breathing in his brother's scent as he licked across Kili's hole.

"Ûrzudel…ah!" his brother gasped, and his thighs tightened around the other dwarf's body. Fili continued to lick him slowly, running his tongue over the pucker and sucking lightly on it. When he pulled back to look, Kili was hard and panting heavily, while his entrance twitched as though beckoning Fili to continue. And he did, licking attentively and finally pressing through the tight ring with his tongue. Kili screamed and clenched around it, and he reached down to grip his brother's braided hair. Fili worried for a moment that he'd hurt Kili, but a quick glance proved otherwise. His brother's head was thrown back in bliss and he gasped for air desperately as his breathing quickened. His cock was dripping heavily, and tinged a dark red at the tip, while his shirt crumpled and caught beneath his body.

Kili's noises echoed through the room, and likely through the rest of their home. It would be glaringly obvious to anyone what they were up to, but Fili did not care. He knew they would not be interrupted, not after forty years apart, no matter how lewdly his little brother moaned. Fili could see the other dwarf was on the verge of climax, so he continued licking and carefully slid a finger in beside his tongue, just to the first knuckle, while his other hand wrapped gently around Kili's arousal. He stroked it languidly from base to tip, spreading the fluids that leaked from him. Fili felt as Kili's cock filled and hardened fully, and he knew from the small spasms around his tongue that his brother was losing control. Then Kili moaned and choked on air as he pulsed in Fili's hand, his body shaking atop the bed. Fili raised his head to watch his brother in the heat of pleasure, and then he licked around the head of his brother's cock and down his hand, lapping up the sticky mess left behind.

Kili looked completely sated, his eyes half closed, mouth wide open, and a light sheen covered his entire body. His legs were spread wantonly and Fili looked at him heatedly, grateful that the dwarf below him was truly his. Though as his eyes wandered lower, to Kili's entrance, slick and gaping, he wanted more. He was unbelievably hard, and his arousal ached to be touched, surrounded by his brother's heat.

"Brother?" Kili whispered, pulling Fili's attention back to his face.

"Will you…have me?" The younger dwarf asked and Fili licked his lips, flicking his eyes across Kili's body intensely.

"I don't want to hurt you Kili," Fili confided, though his want was glaringly obvious, and he was already unlacing his breeches and pulling his cock from its confines.

"It's you, Fili, you're not him. You're my one, you won't hurt me," Kili assured him, already beginning to feel aroused again at the thought of being joined with his brother. Fili took a few steadying breaths then fingered his brother a little, stretching him further, though he was not confident it would be enough. Kili was still wet from his saliva, but the last thing he wanted was to harm the other dwarf in any way.

So Fili reached into the drawer beside Kili's bed and shuffled items around until he found a little jar of cream that would work well enough. He unscrewed the lid with one hand, his other still toying with his brother's entrance, before sniffing at it, smelling the sweet aroma of citrus, then he rubbed it on his fingers and cock. He coated himself thoroughly, and ran some across his brother's hole, pushing a little inside. Then he thrust his finger gently a few times, watching his brother carefully. Kili seemed to enjoy it, pushing gently back against the pressure, so Fili added a second finger, doing his best to stretch his little brother. He spread his fingers, and then pushed them deep, running across the gland there, massaging deliberately. Kili groaned lightly and spread his legs and Fili knew he was ready.

"Turn over, on your front," Fili directed as he slipped his fingers away, and Kili complied, supporting his weight on his elbows. Fili bent over him, kissing his shoulder gently, before he rest teasingly against his brother's opening. He rubbed his arousal into his brother's cleft, leaving a wet trail until Kili was panting with need. Only then did he begin to breach him, moving a hand to grip his brother's hip, just over the tattoo there, while he braced himself on the other. Fili pushed in slowly, inch by inch, until Kili pressed back against him and their hips slotted together perfectly. His brother was tight, as expected, and he stayed within him, unmoving for a few moments before thrusting once gently. Kili cried out, clenching tightly and wiggling his ass slightly. Fili began a steady movement, pumping into the other dwarf rhythmically as he ran his lips down his brother's spine.

He knew he was close, but he desperately wanted to bring Kili pleasure again. So he kept his pace steady, and sat back, pulling his brother's hips up with him. He heard Kili's appreciative gasps from the new angle and thrust into him a little deeper, making sure to hit the right spot each time. Then he reached around the other dwarf's front and toyed with him, pulling at Kili's arousal firmly. He tugged on him a few times, and ran his hand across his brother's chest, pausing to pull gently at his nipples. Fili groaned at the new tightness around his cock and sat back even further; pulling his brother along with him so he could thrust up at a different angle. Kili settled on his knees and shins, his legs spread, and Fili used both hands to stroke his brother's skin, moving fingers down his sides and front, before grazing along the inside of his thighs. His fingers passed over the soft ridges of scar after scar, but Fili ignored that, instead focusing on how warm his brother's skin was, and how his legs quaked with want.

Fili could feel his climax approaching, as his cock swelled and his balls drew up tight. He pushed his teeth into the back of Kili's neck, whispering his name there, and then bit down softly while he let go. Fili pulsed inside his brother, and moaned when he felt his release surrounding his cock and dripping out around it. He kept pumping slowly, until the last of his seed filled his brother, and then he opened his eyes to see Kili had come as well. They'd made a mess of the sheets, and Kili's seed dripped down his legs, in jagged trails where it eventually mingled with Fili's. Kili nearly collapsed with exhaustion, slumping forwards, but Fili managed to catch him and move his chest down onto the bed.

Fili stayed within his brother for a moment, catching his breath, then pulled out slowly and watched as his essence leaked from the other dwarf's hole. He promised himself, as he observed the pucker tighten around nothing but air, and the remnants of their coupling, that this was something only he would have. Only he would bring Kili such pleasure, and only he would take it in turn from his brother. Fili ran a finger through his own seed, pushing it gently back inside the tiny hole, and smiling when his brother whimpered and clenched around his finger. He continued thrusting his digit, as the other dwarf made sleepy noises of satisfaction. Eventually Fili grinned and slipped his finger out but he couldn't resist bending and lapping at the pucker one last time. He sucked gently tasting himself as Kili rutted against the blankets, the last of his release leaking from his cock. Finally Fili pulled away and stretched, then settled beside his brother and looked at him.

This time it was Kili that leaned in for a kiss, locking their lips and tongues together heatedly. Fili smirked, knowing that his brother could taste them both on his tongue, and when Kili pulled away it was with dazed eyes and flushed cheeks, and the two lay there just looking at each other for a long time.

"How can forty years be everything and nothing at once?" Kili asked, his voice ragged from screaming, and he ran his fingers down the braids that framed Fili's face.

"Though our bodies were apart, our thoughts were always with one another," Fili responded and Kili grinned. The older dwarf reached out to run his thumb across his brother's eyebrow, before tracing every angle of Kili's face. Eventually Fili found the scar beneath the other dwarf's eye, pausing on it and thinking deeply. Kili had always been different. He wondered how often his brother had been mocked, ridiculed or hurt by others in his absence.

"This scar…was it really from a wolf?" Fili asked. Kili blinked at him a few times, and then opened his mouth to respond, but not a word came out. Instead he continued to blink, his mouth moving silently, until a single tear fell across his nose and he closed his lips in resignation. Fili's face crumpled and he gripped his brother's chin before wiping away the tear.

"Oh Kili," Fili breathed. Perhaps it was a story for another time. For now all Fili wanted to do was hold his brother close, and make up for lost time. He tugged Kili into his arms, brushing wet strands of hair from his brother's face.

"I'm never leaving you again," Fili promised, sealing it with a kiss on his brother's brow.

And he didn't. Through thick and thin, the brothers were at each other's sides. Nothing would separate them. Not the tallest of mountains, the thickest of woods, or the strongest of prisons. No dwarf, wizard, man, or elf would keep them apart. They would forever be bound to one another, in mind, body and soul. Not a thing could tear them apart, not even death, the greatest of foes.

* * *

**AN:** I want to write a prequel to this, telling Dwalin and Kili's story, their father/son relationship, and describing Kili's life while his brother is away. Is anyone interested? Also I had not intended for this to be quite so angsty…but well, things happened.

**Ûrzudel **is Khuzdul for 'sun of all suns'


	2. A Distant Light (Prequel)

**AN: **This is a prequel to Until This Day Our Hearts Have Yearned. If you haven't read that, it's not necessary, though it may slightly _enhance_ the experience. This centers around Dwalin and Kili's relationship and how it develops throughout the years while Fili is away. Family feels galore, and Dwalin is a sweetheart. I need to write more Dwalin-centric stories from here on out. Please take note of the warnings!

Just thought I'd mention that Ered Luin is technically occupied by mostly dwarves as well as elves from the surrounding forests. Which I find kinda weird what with Thorin's aversion to them, and so I don't really write them that way. Anyway, I chose to imagine the Blue Mountains as more rugged and sparse than Erebor. Perhaps with a pre-established community before Thorin arrives. Basically they are considered outcasts to the area. And so many of the dwarves build on the outskirts, near surrounding villages, in tinier cabins, and make their way amongst men best they can. Just to give you an idea of the setting here!

**Warnings:** Angst (Lots of it), Non-Con, Hurt/Comfort, Scarring, Bullying, Violence, Blood, Graphic Content, Fluff, Family Feels, Protective!Dwalin, Father Figure!Dwalin,

**Pairings:** Dwalin & Kili (gen), implied Fili/Kili

**Rating:** M

* * *

**A Distant Light**

"He hasn't moved, Dwalin. Not for days," Dis lamented as she gazed sadly at her youngest son. Kili sat huddled on a small wooden table, his back to them. The young lad's hands rest against the windowsill as he looked out into the streets at seemingly nothing. Both dwarves knew of course, what Kili was looking for, and so both dwarves also knew it was hopeless.

"I don't know what to do. He won't eat, won't sleep, just stares, constantly at nothing. I've tried explaining, but he ignores me," Dis said and her eyes pleaded with the warrior to do something, anything to bring her child's spirit back. Dwalin crossed his arms and looked over at the young dwarf. He'd promised Thorin of course, that he'd look after the little one in his absence. They all knew that Kili would be terribly affected by his brother leaving, though just how much…that was yet to be seen.

Thorin had not taken Kili with him, not because he felt the younger dwarf was incapable, but because he wanted his littlest nephew to grow up untainted. He wanted Kili at least, to have the life he knew Fili could not. But something told Dwalin, leaving Kili behind was a very big mistake.

Slowly the large dwarf made his way over to where Kili sat motionless against the window. The little prince had his head pressed flush against the glass, and his breath left foggy patches on the pane. Kili's eyes were glossy, though they did not close, didn't even twitch, and his face was so drawn and sorrowful it brought a special kind of pain to the warrior's heart. He'd never seen Kili wear such a forlorn expression. The young dwarf was always grinning and laughing, asking questions like no tomorrow. He didn't know how to handle children, let alone a child that was upset. Dwalin sat carefully next to the lad, taking caution not to sit too heavily, lest the table break beneath his considerable weight.

"Hey laddie, what're yeh lookin' at?" he spoke, as gently as he could manage, with the hopes that Kili might answer. But the tiny dwarf remained silent and stationary. Even as a stray dog trotted past, Kili's eyes did not move, and he stayed focused on a small spot in the distance. Dwalin sighed and looked out the window while he scratched at the hair on his arms. Several minutes later he was interrupted by a small voice.

"Not looking. Waiting," Kili murmured, the foggy patches on the glass increasing as he spoke. Dwalin shifted slightly, turning towards him.

"Waitin' for what?" The large dwarf asked, though he already knew the answer.

"For Fili. F-for Fili to come home," Kili mumbled, and this time his eyes did twitch slightly, and his lips began to tremble. Dwalin cringed slightly and rubbed at his beard before he patted the other dwarf on the head.

"Come now, yeh keep at this and yeh won't be here when he does. Yeh don't want that, do yeh?" Dwalin asked with a big toothy grin, but Kili's expression only worsened, as his eyebrows shook as he bit into his lower lip.

"Time will pass quickly, before yeh know it he'll be pullin' at your hair, shovin' yeh around, and you'll wish he were gone again!" Dwalin joked, and Kili looked positively stricken. The older dwarf knew he was royally screwing up so he changed tactics.

"He wouldn't want yeh to be upset like this," Dwalin assured, and Kili glanced at him briefly but ultimately turned back to look outside once more. The older dwarf sat back, knowing it was likely he missed his chance. Kili looked more sullen than ever and no closer to leaving the window than before. They sat there in silence for hours, and finally when the stars came out, and Dis blew out all of the candles around the cabin, Kili lowered his head.

"He's not coming back is he," Kili whispered, his voice soft, but loud enough to startle Dwalin from a light slumber. The older dwarf wiped slobber from his face and sat up straighter before heaving a great sigh.

"'Fraid not, laddie, not for a long while," he answered truthfully, and when he turned it was to the sight of Kili's shoulders shaking and the sound of a quiet sob. That sob became louder and turned into many, and Dwalin reached out tentatively as large tears began to fall from the young lad's eyes. Kili huddled close to his form, crying into his chest, and as Dwalin felt the first bit of wetness through his shirt, there was only one thought that came to mind.

It was_…heart-wrenching_.

* * *

Kili didn't much like the townsfolk. Some of them were okay he supposed, but many of the other boys were downright mean. They didn't understand dwarves. Didn't understand how someone twice their age could look just as young,_ feel_ just as young. And there was the size difference of course too. It hadn't always been noticeable, but as a few more years passed by, and the boys of town grew while Kili stayed nearly the same height, the differences became glaringly obvious.

They taunted him and teased him. Repeated jokes they probably heard at home. They'd call him a girl, shorty, and other various insults, that truthfully Kili didn't find very insulting at all. But it was the way they hissed them that really did it. Kili knew the words were meant to hurt, and even though they didn't, that thought alone was enough to upset him.

Kili ran along the nearby river, doing his best not to slip on the wet rocks or trip over any of the strewn about twigs. They were chasing him, and he knew this time, they wanted to do more than just yell at him. The one boy, with the short red hair, had thrown a rock at him, and the scraggly blonde had looked at him with such hatred in his eyes that Kili felt his heart skip a beat with terror. He ran as hard as his little legs would carry him, and though he was often fast, faster than many dwarves and men, the towns children were gaining on him. He was tired, and his legs ached, and he could feel the beginnings of tears burning in his eyes.

"Get him!" he heard one of the boys shout and then Kili cried out in pain when a rock flung into his leg. And that was all it took for his feet to slide out from under him, and he went tumbling to the ground face first. His hands slammed into jagged stones and he felt the cuts sting violently as dirt and water seeped into them. He'd barely had time to process the pain when hands gripped his hair and yanked, hard. Kili screeched as his head was pulled back then did his best to cover his tiny body as the boys kicked and punched at him.

"You're such a loser!" One of them yelled and he gasped as he was thrown into the nearby stream. It was shallow, and even on his hands and knees Kili could keep his head above the water. But then he was pushed under. Kili choked on water and struggled to the surface, spitting it out as quickly as he could. The stream was cold and he shivered while the boys circled him and looked down.

"You'll never belong!" The redhead sneered and he threw another rock, this time at Kili's face. The young dwarf raised his arms, but still they threw rocks, and it was impossible to cover everything.

"Look at how ugly he is!" A lanky brunette snickered. His teeth were too big for his mouth and his nose was crooked, and Kili thought he was rather unattractive himself.

"Ma and da say you're all vermin!" A young curly-haired girl jeered and Kili felt as a tear rolled down his cheek.

"My brother will get you back for this!" Kili shouted, his eyes closed and teeth bared. It was an automatic response, and it was the truth, or it would have been once upon a time.

"Your brother isn't here anymore, freak," One of them yelled at him, and Kili flinched. He hated that word. It was one of the few that really hurt. He felt hands pulling at his arms and he struggled for a bit, until the kids eventually had him restrained.

"Shove him under, c'mon!" The blonde said with a grin and Kili's eyes widened.

"No!" He shouted but then he was pushed down, and water filled his mouth. He choked on it and trembled in their grasps but could do nothing. Weeds pulled at his limbs and sand clogged his vision, but he could feel so many hands holding him down. His arms were restrained, and he panicked, shaking as his lungs struggled against the onslaught of water. Then suddenly he was released and he flew up gasping for air madly.

"Hey! Someone's coming!" He heard, and then they trampled away and he was left alone, freezing in the water. Kili crawled desperately ashore, weeping and coughing up water and everything else he could. There was mud in the cuts on his hands and arms and Kili struggled against the searing pain before he slumped against the rocks and wheezed.

"…Kili?" he vaguely heard but he was wracked with coughing and could not move to look. When he felt a large hand settle on his back he twitched and his breath hitched savagely.

"Kili, what happened lad?" Dwalin asked, even as he looked up and saw the tail end of some children racing away. His eyes narrowed and he looked back down at the shaking dwarf.

"Damn it!" Dwalin hissed as he moved to turn Kili over. The lad coughed and sputtered on his back, his hands hanging loosely in the air as blood leaked from the cuts upon them. Tears streamed down his face and Dwalin pushed back his bangs then began to wipe the trails away.

"It's j-just water! N-not tears, just…water, j-just w-water!" Kili chanted, and Dwalin closed his eyes in anguish.

It wasn't the first time he'd found Kili disheveled and beaten. If the young lad would just give him some names, he'd make sure no one touched the little dwarf. But Kili refused to tell him the identity of a single person. Dwalin could respect that Kili wanted to deal with his problems alone, but he deserved better, far better. If Thorin was still around, or even Fili, no one would dare touch the young prince. He knew the attackers were human, for no dwarf would take teasing quite so far, especially not against another of their own kind, or one so young. Someday he would find each and every person that harmed the lad, no matter how old, and make sure they paid for it in full.

For now he had a waterlogged dwarf to tend to. Dwalin gently gripped the little prince behind his back, pulling him up against his chest and Kili immediately pushed his face into the furs there, though his hands still hung open in the air. Dwalin stood, mindful of Kili's wounds, and began the short trek back to town.

"It's okay lad, let's get yeh home," he whispered, hoping to soothe the other dwarf at least a little, but Kili's soft sobs and choking noises accompanied them the entire way back.

* * *

Kili liked going to the forge with Dwalin. He got to see what all the dwarves worked on all day long. There were weapons galore, jewels and gems, findings, framework, and even art. Dwalin was more of a precision artist. He did custom work for clients with the right kind of money, adding designs and decals to all kinds of things. Sometimes he even put his art on other dwarves' skin! Kili liked watching him work. He was always so focused. And Kili thought it was really interesting, how such a big dwarf could create such intricate details.

It was a slow day, as far as customers went, so Kili was allowed to wander more than usual. He visited with all the other dwarves, and they usually smiled at him and showed him whatever they were working on. A dwarf with the longest beard Kili had ever seen worked in the far corner, hitting two chunks of rock together repeatedly. The loud clanking sounds echoed through the room and Kili watched enamoured as sparks flew up from the anvil with each hit. He observed as the dwarf's beard grazed against the ground and was suddenly struck with an idea. Wouldn't it be funny if his beard was tied to his boots? Kili covered his mouth as a snicker threatened to escape and he nearly snuck closer to begin. But when he turned to his side with a big grin, and realised he was alone, the thought quickly disappeared. It wouldn't be any fun without another to laugh with, without Fili to laugh with.

It was nearing midday when Kili sullenly wandered back to Dwalin's work area. The large dwarf was hunched over a work table engraving something into a blade. Kili opted not to disturb him and instead took to looking at the other items set aside.

There was a sketchbook flipped open, with images of wild cats strewn about it. Their mouths were open as though growling at an enemy and Kili noticed that one of the daggers on the table had a similar design on it. He picked it up and twirled it, but lost interest fairly quick, setting it back down gently.

His eyes wandered more until he came across a beautiful wooden weapon, with a metal piece in the middle. It looked frail compared to the surrounding blades and war hammers, and Kili had never seen anything like it before.

"Uncle Dwalin, what's this?" Kili asked, unable to resist. Dwalin tapped a few more times into the metal he was working on before sitting back and stretching out his spine. When he turned, he wiped some sweat from his face and squinted over at the young dwarf. Kili's hands rest lightly atop the weapon in question and his eyes gleamed with interest.

"That's a bow, laddie," Dwalin said, and he scratched his nose before setting down his tools. Then he turned fully on his stool to watch the curious dwarf.

"I've never seen one before…none of the dwarves at the training grounds use one," Kili voiced, and he bit his lip as he looked over it.

"You like it?" Dwalin questioned, and Kili nodded then hesitantly moved to lift it from the table.

"You be careful with that, don't yeh go breakin' it. A client's paying good coin for that piece of work," Dwalin warned, though he leant back and let the dwarf continue with a smile.

"I won't break it!" Kili insisted, and he diligently gripped the bow in both hands before holding it up curiously. He glanced at Dwalin briefly and the older dwarf mimicked shooting a bow so that Kili could figure out how to hold it. He turned it a few times, and mock aimed, as he studied it from all angles. Dwalin watched as the lad experimented with the bow cheerfully. It was too large for the young dwarf's grip, and far too long for his height, but still it looked perfect in Kili's hands. The other dwarf had such an expression of awe on his face that Dwalin couldn't help but smirk; it had been a while since Kili looked anything but upset. It was rare for a dwarf to master a bow, but not unheard of. Perhaps it was time to start training the lad.

* * *

Kili picked at the laces on his boots. He didn't much like wearing them, preferring to go barefoot wherever he travelled. His toes felt confined, and his ankles itched, but mother had insisted. He sat on the outskirts of the training grounds, watching as dwarves fought one another with a variety of weapons. And in the corner there were two brawling with bare hands. All of the dwarves were fierce in battle, shouting loud cries as they swung their weapons and fists. Dwalin was the fiercest. Kili had never seen him bested, not in battle. Though he remembered that one time Balin said something under his breath and the big dwarf had scowled and sat down in resignation.

Every dwarf on the grounds practically radiated power. They were all strong, having trained for years in their chosen weapons. Their beards were braided intricately, accomplishments and stories woven throughout them, with trinkets and beads that represented their great accomplishments in war. Kili wondered if he'd ever be the same. Would he have a thick beard someday with thousands of braids in it? He rubbed at his face in confusion. He remembered how Fili had the beginnings of a beard just before he'd left with Thorin. Some of the other dwarf children around his age, and even the younger ones already had hair on their faces, but Kili's chin was bare as ever.

He huffed in annoyance. Surely a beard would just get in the way? It would scratch like his boots did, and food would get stuck in it. And it would just be another thing the children of the town could grab, he reasoned. Kili finally growled in frustration and tore his boots off. He stretched his toes out and grinned as a light breeze passed through them before he pushed his feet into the thick grass. Fili used to laugh at him whenever they went out. Kili would do anything to get outside without his boots on. Sometimes Dis would chase the two down the dirt road, Kili's boots in hand and she'd stand and watch until Kili tied them both on his feet. It was a pointless effort, as both were removed the moment the two dwarves were out of sight. Sometimes his brother carried him, worried that he might hurt his feet on the rough terrain.

Fili once said Kili wasn't meant to be a dwarf, that somehow Mahal had made a mistake, and brought a wild and free raven into the world as his baby brother. But then Fili would smile and say how grateful he was for the error, because he could hold his little raven in his arms each day. Kili closed his eyes and let the breeze blow through his hair and upon his face. He could feel his eyes beginning to burn but he fought the tears, Fili wouldn't want him to cry. The grass rustled behind him and Kili's eyes opened when the ground beside him shook with a loud thump.

"Mind if I join yeh?" Dwalin asked, stretching out his legs and groaning as he cracked his back loudly. The older dwarf was covered in sweat from fighting intensely, and there were a few scratches on his arms where he'd been nicked by a weapon or two.

"Uncle Dwalin!" Kili shouted with a smile and he hugged the burly dwarf before leaning against him.

"What're ya up to? Just watching?" Dwalin asked as he patted Kili on the head. The young dwarf nodded and curled his toes in the grass happily. Dwalin chuckled at the sight of Kili's boots thrown haphazardly away from his body and he bent forward and tugged on the little dwarf's toes one by one. Kili squealed and squirmed away from the touch but his smile was radiant.

"I brought you something," Dwalin said finally, giving up on catching the other's toes and he moved to place a cloth wrapped parcel in Kili's lap.

"Go on, take a look," Dwalin urged and Kili eagerly unravelled the simple tie and moved the cloth away. A tiny bow rest in his lap and Kili hesitantly held his fingers over it. The design was modest, but effective, and Dwalin knew it would work well. It was nowhere near as decadent as the one Kili had admired in the shop, but he hoped the little dwarf would like it.

"Is it really mine?" Kili asked, his voice soft as he finally lifted the weapon into his hands.

"Yep! What do yeh say we go try it out?" Dwalin asked heartily.

"Can we really?" This time Kili turned to him with an excited smile on his face and already the young lad was beginning to stand.

"'Course, but you gotta put yer boots back on laddie. I can't have yeh walking across the training grounds like that, might step on a scrap bit of metal! Then your ma would have my head!" Dwalin insisted as he groaned and stood, but Kili turned to him and pouted dramatically.

"Do I have to uncle Dwalin?" Kili pleaded, and when Dwalin looked down at him, the little dwarf's eyes were wide and he tugged on his shirt. The warrior did his best to glare intimidatingly, but in the end it was no match for Kili's pout and the big dwarf caved.

"Oh, cut off my beard and call me an orc, get over here yeh little scamp," Dwalin murmured as he bent to pick up Kili's boots, then he scooped Kili up from the ground and carried him across the grounds. Several surrounding dwarves snickered at the two with knowing expressions on their faces and Dwalin scowled in return. Kili grinned, oblivious, the entire way to the forest. When Dwalin finally put the other dwarf down, he skipped off, bow and arrow in hand.

"Be careful, don't go shootin' at yer feet!" Dwalin shouted in his wake, and he was answered only with the echoes of Kili's laughter. For several hours the two dwarves wandered the forest, Kili doing his best to learn the art of archery, while Dwalin gave him the occasional bit of guidance. The little dwarf picked up the craft quick, shooting arrows into trees and branches with ease. Aside from one close call, when he shot an arrow straight up and it fell back down in front of Dwalin's face.

"Oy! Watch it!" Dwalin shouted and Kili approached apologetically.

"Do you think Fili will learn how to shoot?" Kili asked, as he lowered his bow to take a break.

"He'll learn I'm sure, but he won't master it. Thorin plans to train him in the sword arts," Dwalin explained at his side and he pushed a particularly thick branch out of the way.

"Wants to turn him into a true warrior, a great fighter. Seein' as he'll be king one day an' all," he added, and Kili looked up curiously.

"He'll need to know how to use just about every weapon with great precision. The bow is more of a hunting weapon," Dwalin spoke, and Kili bit his lip.

"Should I learn sword arts?" The young dwarf asked as he looked at the bow in his hands sadly. Dwalin watched him sombrely.

"I reckon you can fight with whatever yeh want," Dwalin answered and continued walking, though he paused when the soft sound of Kili's feet padding on the ground stopped. When he turned the other dwarf was standing and staring at the ground, while his fingers played with the point of an arrow.

"I don't think I'd much like killing…," Kili mumbled and Dwalin sighed and walked over to scoop the tiny prince into his arms.

"Even the greatest dwarven warriors don't like killin', little one. We enjoy a good fight, but…to take a life, that's not somethin' yeh easily forget," he explained and Kili rest his head against the older dwarf's shoulder.

"You don't think…you don't think Fili would be disappointed in me?" Kili asked tentatively and Dwalin rubbed at his back.

"Not a chance," he responded with absolute surety. Dwalin felt Kili's fingers tighten in his furs and he held him closer, pulling the arrow gently from his hand. They walked a little bit further into the forest before Kili spoke again.

"I miss him," it was but a whisper, though the words held more emotion than the loudest of screams, and Dwalin ran a hand through Kili's darks locks to soothe him.

"I know laddie," he said, before setting the little dwarf back on the ground.

"C'mon now, show me your form. When Fili comes back yeh can show him how well yeh shoot," Dwalin suggested with a light pat on Kili's shoulder.

* * *

"Did they hurt?" Kili asked curiously one day in the forge. Dwalin was hunched over a blade, with his sleeves rolled up as he pounded at the steel, and Kili leant over a table not far from him.

"What?" Dwalin asked, continuing to work, the anvil shaking with his efforts.

"All your tattoos," Kili elaborated, his eyes focused on the markings across the other dwarf's forearms. A few more clangs echoed through the workspace and then Dwalin moved to wipe the sweat from his face and placed the blade in a bucket of water.

"Some more than others," Dwalin said as he paused for a moment, sitting back in his seat. Kili wandered over closer and poked at the symbols on the other dwarf's fingers.

"What do these ones mean?" Kili asked and he looked up at the other dwarf imploringly.

"It's Khuzdul, haven't you been learning that in Balin's lessons?" Dwalin asked stretching his fingers out in between them.

"I know a little bit, just a few words, but I'm not good with the runes," Kili said, hunching his shoulders in shame.

"They are dwarven battle cries. This one says baruk khazâd, it means axes of the dwarves," Dwalin explained as he held up his right hand, then he stretched out the left one and pointed at it.

"And this says, khazâd ai-mênu, the dwarves are upon you!" This time Dwalin bellowed the words and pumped his other fist in the air. Kili giggled at him behind his hands.

"What?" Dwalin said, completely affronted by the reaction.

"Did you chant it while running into battle? The dwarves are upon you! The dwarves are upon you!" Kili shouted as he mockingly ran around with his arms in the air.

"Hey now, our enemies cowered before us I assure yeh," Dwalin insisted but Kili still giggled as he approached again, this time poking at the markings on Dwalin's head.

"What about these?"

"Ah, they tell a story, laddie, of our forefathers and the great battles they've won throughout time," Dwalin spoke and Kili climbed up onto his lap for a better view. After he'd poked and prodded for a sufficient amount of time, Kili pressed a finger into the collar of Dwalin's shirt where another tattoo was just visible.

"And this?" Kili asked in his sweetest voice and Dwalin ruffled his hair.

"Oh, I can't tell yeh that one, not just yet," he voiced and Kili scrunched up his face at the news then plopped back onto his bare feet.

"Hey, you rascal, what have I told you about not wearing boots on these floors?" Dwalin bellowed but Kili just smirked and lent back over the table, lifting his legs and feet in the air.

"I want one," Kili said confidently with a nod and Dwalin raised an eyebrow.

"Oh? And what would yours be?" He questioned, lifting a quill to scratch at a piece of parchment.

"It'd be for Fili, my Ûrzudel!" Kili said excitedly and far more quickly than Dwalin expected. The young dwarf fell back from the table and skipped around happily.

"I think I'd cover my whole back!" Kili shouted, and he stretched his arms wide to the sides.

"Will you tattoo it, please Dwalin, please?" Kili begged, running over to place his hands on the older dwarf's knees. Dwalin turned to him with a grin.

"Maybe someday, if I tattooed yeh now your ma would-," he began.

"I know, I know…she'd have your head!" Kili said and Dwalin poked him in the gut.

"That's a good lad, go on now; you'll be late for supper!" The older dwarf ordered and Kili hugged him quickly then ran off in a hurry. Dwalin tapped his quill against the parchment a few times as he looked out the window after Kili's disappearing form.

"Ûrzudel huh," he muttered, then turned and began sketching out a few decorative suns.

* * *

The bow proved a perfect weapon for young Kili. He took it everywhere with him, and slowly but surely gained respect for his ability to at the very least hit a target. He was hesitant to aim at animals however, not wishing to harm anything unless absolutely necessary. He aimed at trees, and rocks, the targets at the training grounds, and sometimes even at the back of his own door, though that usually resulted in a scolding from his mother.

Kili skipped through the woods, happy amongst the trees as always, and aimed at the occasional branch he found compelling. He picked up the arrows he shot, reusing them, as well as sticks and stones that could be made into more. His pockets were nearly full when a movement in the distance caught his eye.

Kili crouched to the ground quickly and drew his bow, moving slowly towards it. He was quiet and snuck behind the nearby tree trunks until he saw the culprit. A rabbit was resting in a pile of leaves and Kili gasped in surprise. He loved rabbits, mostly chasing them, so he jumped out and ran towards it quickly, forgetting about aiming at all. But as he approached and the rabbit didn't move, only shaking where it lay on the ground, Kili realized something was wrong. There was a red stain on the rabbit's paw and it was struggling to get up.

"You're hurt!" Kili gasped, moving to kneel beside it, though the rabbit hissed at him and moved to bite his hands when he got too close.

"It's okay, I'll take care of you, don't be afraid," Kili whispered, and as he moved his hands closer the rabbit whimpered, but allowed the young dwarf to run his fingers through his silky fur. Gently Kili pulled his shirt out and he placed the rabbit in the bundle of cloth before pulling it to his chest.

"Mama gets the best healing salve from master Oin! It'll fix you up right away!" Kili spoke to it, and then he began the trek home. He ran his fingers soothingly across the rabbit's ears, then over its eyes and marvelled at its beauty. Its fur was pure white, and its eyes a bold blue, just like Fili's.

"How about I call you Fee!" Kili said happily and he continued to whisper soothingly as he walked. When Fee calmed slightly, and snuggled into the cloth for warmth, Kili smiled and began to hum a soft tune. He was just nearing the edge of the forest when he caught sight of several shadowy figures between the trees. As he walked closer his grip tightened and he tensed. He knew these kids, the ones from the town! They'd grown over the past few years, nearly all of them taller than Kili by a foot or more. In just a few more years many of them would be grown men.

"What've you got there?" The tallest of the bunch asked as they stepped out from behind trees and flanked him on all sides. Kili did his best to calm his breathing, everything would be okay. They were too close to the town, too close to other dwarves.

"N-nothing," Kili stuttered despite his efforts to stay relaxed. When two of the boys stepped towards him Kili took a step backwards, pulling the cloth of his shirt up further to hide Fee. But with each step backwards, the closer he moved towards the others behind him, and soon Kili was stuck.

"Aw, look, it's a bunny! Cute!" The curly haired girl spoke, her face filled with happiness. She seemed harmless enough but was quickly pushed out of the way as the sandy haired boy approached quickly.

"Give it here!" He shouted, and Kili flinched away.

"Don't, leave us be!" Kili yelled, pulling Fee tight towards his body. But the lad behind him just gripped his shoulders and arms, then little Fee was pulled aggressively from his grasp. It only took a few moments for the others to push Kili to the ground.

"Kick his arrows away," Someone shouted, and Kili watched as they scattered out far away from his reach.

"Hey! My brother-," Kili began but he was cut off quickly by the sandy haired boy's angry voice.

"Your brother this, your brother that, it's like you're in love with him or something," the teen sneered and he started prodding at Fee violently.

"Stop it! He's hurt!" Kili shouted and tried to reach for Fee but didn't get far, someone's hands tight in his hair.

"Hurt eh, so I suppose….twisting his paw like this…," The boy leered at him and did just that and Fee screeched in pain. Kili opened his mouth in a gasp, but the words he wanted to shout caught in his throat.

"Kolbyr, stop!" The curly haired girl squeaked instead and she covered her mouth in shock. Kolbyr glared at her then glanced back towards Kili with a smirk.

"I'll make you a deal, Kili," he spoke, then pulled a dagger from his pocket and tossed it so it landed just within Kili's reach.

"If you can cut your own eye out, I'll let him go," Kolbyr negotiated. Kili's fingers trembled where they dug into dirt and leaves and he stared wide eyed at the knife before him. How could possibly cut out his own eye? Kili couldn't imagine doing such a thing.

"D-don't you think that's a bit much?" The boy behind him asked in a timid voice but Kolbyr just turned his angry gaze towards him and Kili felt the boy's fingers tense where they rest on his shoulders.

"Shut up, Peder. Well, what's it gonna be Kili?" Kolbyr asked nodding towards the knife. He moved his fingers to tug at Fee's paw again, and the rabbit's pained yelp willed Kili into action. He reached forward quickly, wrapping his fingers around the dagger and pulled it towards him. He'd seen one or two dwarves in the training grounds and at the forge missing eyes, or ears. Surely he could do this; surely he could do this small thing to save his new friend. Kili's hands shook as he raised the dagger and pressed the blade just below his left eye. The prick of pain startled him and he shuddered but held the blade there before tentatively pushing it in a bit deeper.

It hurt. It hurt like nothing he'd felt before and he stopped when he felt the first drop of blood begin to drip down his face. He couldn't do it, there was no way! Tears formed in his eyes as he watched Kolbyr's eyes narrow and his hand grip Fee's body tightly.

"You're taking too long!" Kolbyr shouted, and he pulled fiercely on one of the rabbit's back paws.

"Stop it! You're hurting him!" Kili shouted, the dagger still loosely pressed to his face.

"Stop Kolbyr! It's just a little bunny!" The girl pleaded from the side but Kolbyr ignored her. The dagger began to slip from Kili's sweaty hand and he clenched it tighter, pushing just a little deeper and cringing from the pain. But it didn't help, and Kolbyr just continued to torture Fee.

"Fee! No!" Kili shouted as a particularly loud shriek came from the rabbit. The boy behind him had let go of his shoulders completely, while others were inching uneasily away, and the girl was crying loudly and tugging on another boy's sleeve.

"Kolbyr stop it!" She screamed. And then there was a snap, loud enough that it echoed around the group. Kili dropped his hand from his face in shock. Fee was writhing on the ground, suffering from the pain of broken bones, wild wailing noises coming from him, and Kili felt his heart tear in half at the sight of his friend in such agony. He couldn't bear it, couldn't stand to watch such suffering any longer. His fingers tightened aggressively around the dagger still within them and he reached around, knocking the boy behind him away, while he pulled his bow around to his front. His mind was completely blank as he balanced the dagger upon his bow string and let it sail.

And finally there was silence. Kili could hear nothing but his heavy breathing as Fee's body went motionless on the ground. It was instant death, the blade drove straight through little Fee's heart, and Kili in turn thought perhaps his own heart had stopped beating as well. He felt nothing as he dropped his bow to the ground. Heard nothing, even as the little girl screeched loudly and ran away, even as the other boys started yelling between each other and doing the same. Kili did not notice the thick tears streaming down his face, even as the salty water ran into the deep cut beneath his eye.

He'd killed his own friend. He couldn't save him.

When heavy, rushed footfalls sounded behind him Kili paid no mind. Even as thick arms encased him and pulled him back Kili stayed motionless, and unfeeling. His face remained empty, and his body limp as he was pulled into Dwalin's chest. It must have been hours later when Kili squirmed his way from Dwalin's tight hold and crawled across the ground to Fee's body. Kili knelt before the rabbit, and ran his hand through the soft fur on his back before his shoulders started to shake and he sobbed helplessly on the forest floor.

This time when Dwalin's arms encased him he was aware of everything. He felt the warmth from the other dwarf's body and the calluses on his hand where it gripped his own. He felt the other dwarf's beard scratching at his neck and the cool evening breeze against his skin. The tears, old and new, felt like clay upon his skin, and the cut beneath his eye stung as though he'd poured a full bag of salt into the wound.

"…He, would have wanted it this way, he wouldn't have wanted you to lose an eye," Dwalin spoke, tilting Kili's head up so he could study his face. His thumb touched just beneath the wound there and the other dwarf flinched away.

"That's gonna need stitches," Dwalin muttered, and he pulled up a piece of cloth to dab at it gently. As he worked Kili's lip began to tremble and before long, tears were streaming from his eyes and he was crying out between heavy sobs. Dwalin didn't bother to wipe the tears away, as more would only follow, and he held Kili across his lap and watched at a complete loss. He had no idea what to do. He'd never ached so much at the sight of another's pain, never wished he could help more. He wasn't good with words, not like his brother. And he wasn't gentle with his touch, nor was he particularly good with children. He knew that he loved the little prince, as though he were his own son, and yet, he could do nothing to ease his pain.

Was this how Thorin felt when he held the young ones when they were wracked with illness? How Dis felt when Mahal had taken a child from her before it even came into the world? What could he do? Why did young Kili have to suffer so?

"Fili would have saved him," Kili whispered through his cries, and Dwalin's grip tightened.

"Your brother wouldn't want yeh hurt either; he'd think yeh brave," Dwalin said, for he knew it was the truth.

"What if it had been me they were hurting? What would Fili have done?" Kili asked, his sobs quieting into sniffles. This time Dwalin took a moment to wipe away the remaining tears. He couldn't answer that. Not directly, for Dwalin knew that Fili would have cut his eye out in an instant if it meant saving his precious little brother. But that was Fili, and such words would only hurt the little prince. Kili had always had a gentle heart, he was not meant for battle, no matter how much he strove to be strong. He wasn't meant to kill, no matter how much he wished to prove himself. War was not every dwarf's destiny, but Kili had chosen it as his now. Or rather, it had been forced upon him. Dwalin figured, in another time, Kili would have made a great toymaker, or a storyteller. Perhaps even a minstrel. But he was a prince of Erebor, a prince in exile, and no matter how much Thorin or Dis wanted to spare him, it was impossible.

Dwalin tightened his hands for a moment then tugged Kili up before pulling out a blade to dig a small hole. Kili stood by and sniffled, Fee wrapped once again in his shirt. Then when the hole was big enough, he placed him in it and pushed some dirt back on top. His fingers traced letters in the loose soil and Dwalin raised his eyebrows at the name. The older dwarf stood behind Kili, placing his hands on both his shoulders before turning him and lifting him into his arms.

"You did the right think Kili, yeh stopped his pain. Fee's…in a better place now," Dwalin said, his voice gruff but quiet. Kili's eyes were red and puffy, and his face was drawn as he leant his head against the other dwarf's shoulder.

"Dwalin, where do rabbits go, when they die?" Kili asked quietly and Dwalin gritted his teeth. He wondered briefly how heartbroken Kili would be if he knew just how many rabbits Dwalin had slain and eaten during his travels. He wondered if Kili knew how often Dis cooked them for supper. The little lad would be completely distraught.

"I suppose they go back to the land, to be with nature, to be reborn again," Dwalin muttered. Kili watched him for a bit, but soon his eyes drooped and sleep took him. Dwalin tucked him in that night, explaining to Dis best he could without causing a ruckus, then set to cleaning the wound on his face. Stitches would have to wait until the morning. He sat back in the chair next to Kili's bed, tossing the bloody cloth away and replacing the empty spot in his hand with his face.

"I'm failin' yeh," Dwalin breathed; unsure which dwarf's ears the words were meant for.

* * *

"Can't I come with you? Please! I won't be a bother, I promise!" Kili pleaded with Dwalin. The older dwarf was in the process of leaving with some colleagues to join Thorin in the North, and Kili desperately wanted to go. Anything to see his brother again, even just for a day. He had grown a little in the past few years, his hair long past his shoulder blades, and even a few tiny hairs were visible on his face. He'd trained every day, mastering the bow and proving his worth, but still, Dwalin wouldn't budge.

"I'm sorry lad, but yeh need to stay here, with your ma. Help her out around home okay? I'll only be gone a couple years, you'll hardly miss me," Dwalin insisted, with a pat on the other dwarf's head.

"That's what you said about Fili," Kili mumbled and withdrew, before he could stop the words from escaping. Dwalin gaped at his sullen face for a moment, but when the caravan beckoned him, he mounted his pony and rode away, sending a single wave back that was not returned. Dwalin tightened his grip in the reigns. Leaving the young lad standing alone like that was one of the hardest things he'd ever done.

Kili stood in his place, looking at the ground until the caravan disappeared from sight. He felt downtrodden and abandoned. Unwanted. Why couldn't he go visit his brother? Surely his mother would be alright for just a couple of years. Kili gripped the front of his shirt between his fingers and pulled. His heart ached, and there was nothing that could ease the pain.

"Kili, come on back inside, there's a chill in the air," Dis beckoned from the door to their home, and Kili turned slowly and padded back towards her. He didn't notice his mother's sigh of relief, or the way her eyes worriedly followed his movements as he walked through the doorway. Kili skipped dinner that evening, holing himself up in his room, his back touching the wall his bed rest against. His eyes gazed at the bed across the way, Fili's bed. How many more years would he have to wait?

He fidgeted for nearly an hour before finally pushing himself from the wall and charging to the other side of the room. Kili threw himself onto his brother's bed, gripping the blankets between his fingers and shoving his head into the pillow there. And he sobbed, because not a single hint of his brother remained. There was no warmth in the sheets where his brother should have lain, and not a touch of his smell in the pillow Kili's face pressed against. No golden hairs lay about, and all of his belongings were neatly folded and long untouched. Kili couldn't stand it! He sobbed until he had no more tears to cry, and then exhausted, climbed beneath his brother's blankets and allowed his memories to lull him to sleep.

* * *

He could hear a song, all around. It was beautiful, and it reminded him so very much of someone he held dear. The voice was different though, deeper, rougher, and Kili could not quite place it. He twirled around, looking for something, anything, to lead him towards the sound, but each direction led only towards darkness. Kili faltered, lost in a dark realm, with no path to head in.

And suddenly he was falling, into water, and it was cold and splashed onto his face. Kili gasped and swam to the surface, desperately trying to keep afloat. And then in the distant shadows there was a figure, barely visible, as it swam through the water towards him. Kili treaded, with all his might as the waves crashed around him and the figure grew closer and closer, the singing, louder and louder.

"You couldn't do it," the voice spoke all around him, and Kili could see the other's lips moving. His face was visible now, but Kili could not recognize it, or make it take shape in his mind. He saw braided hair, and broad shoulders, thick eyebrows, and penetrating eyes, but still it was muddy in his vision.

"You let him die," the voice growled, as the figure reached him, holding out a hand to grasp around his neck.

"Wha-" Kili gasped, as the hand closed tight around his throat, and his brother's face appeared before his eyes. But it was not how he remembered him. His face was white as a ghost, and his eyes a colourless grey. Fili bared his teeth, and widened his eyes menacingly before squeezing with all his might and Kili screamed as the voice echoed in his ears.

"You let him die!"

Kili's vision blanked and he shouted as he landed on the floor of his room. His eyes stared terrified at the ceiling above, and he scrambled to his feet before backing away frantically until his knees knocked against his own bed. Kili fell atop the covers, and crawled back even more. Farther and farther back, until he touched the wall, and his body trembled as his eyes looked at the other side of the room. Never would he touch there again, never would he even look.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Kili whispered into the night, and even as the sun rose he spoke the words to the shadow of his brother in his dreams.

* * *

It was in the winter months when Dwalin finally returned. Five and a half years later. The Durin cabin was cold, despite the hearth Dis kept burning day and night. Kili huddled in a corner of his room when he heard the knocking at his door and saw a bald head peek in through a crack.

"Kili, yeh awake?" Dwalin asked with a grin on his face and Kili's eyes lit up at the sight.

"Uncle Dwalin, you're back?" Kili exclaimed and he smiled briefly before looking over the other dwarf's shoulder. Dwalin watched the way Kili's gaze distanced slightly and fleeted around as though he was searching for a ghost.

"Aye," Dwalin spoke, finally entering the room fully and approaching the young dwarf where he was bunched under blankets on his bed. Kili looked a bit like an overgrown worm, and Dwalin couldn't resist pulling him in for a big squishy hug. Finally Kili managed to wrench his arms from his coverings and wrap them around the other dwarf earnestly.

"Lookit how you've grown!" Dwalin bellowed as he pulled back and gave Kili a once over. The other dwarf was clearly taller, and his face a little bit slimmer. Though he still lacked a full beard there were definitely a few more whiskers there than when he left.

"Did you see him, did you see my brother?" Kili asked, though his voice was hushed and his expression seemed worried. Dwalin sat beside him, throwing an arm over his shoulder.

"Ya, I saw 'im, all he did was ask about yeh," Dwalin chortled and Kili grinned just a little bit, then grew distant again.

"What does he look like? Is he taller? Does he have a beard yet? Are his eyes still blue?" Kili asked as he fiddled with his hands. Dwalin couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at the questions. Were his eyes still blue? What kind of question was that?

"Yes to all," he said simply. Kili's shoulders relaxed ever so slightly and Dwalin heaved a sigh.

"Thorin asked about yeh too," he continued and Kili looked away.

"You're still angry at him, for takin' Fili away," Dwalin stated and when the other dwarf offered no complaint he tugged him closer. Kili's body didn't fit in his lap the same way it once had, but he still managed to pull him in.

"He loves you, very much, you know that," Dwalin explained and Kili nodded.

"I know," the young lad uttered and his eyes closed as he leant his head back against Dwalin's chest. The older dwarf couldn't help but worry. Even in just his short time away, Kili looked years older. Not so much in his appearance, but in the way he carried himself. His face was…pale, there were bags under his eyes, and his mouth was pulled down in an uncharacteristic frown. A few new scars were visible across his neck and arms, and the large one beneath his eye had gone stark white, glaringly visible even upon his ashen complexion. He looked haunted, and as though he was wary of the world around him.

"Your ma tells me yeh haven't been sleepin'," Dwalin asked gently, watching as Kili opened his eyes a sliver before closing them again. The lad shook his head and rolled onto his side.

"I…dream, bad things," Kili spoke and Dwalin eyed the way he frowned and rubbed at his face.

"Do yeh…want to talk about it?" Dwalin asked, but it yielded no results.

"I….I can't," Kili mumbled. Several minutes later Kili grasped at his chest and groaned.

"It hurts so much Dwalin, like there's a big hole in my chest, and when I think about Fili it just gets bigger and bigger," Kili lamented, and Dwalin tightened his grip. He held the other dwarf until slumber claimed him and throughout the rest of the eve. It was unnatural how many times Kili's brow furrowed in pain during his rest, as well as how many times he called out in fear. Only one night back and already Dwalin felt he never should have left.

* * *

Kili was old enough to go on hunting trips now, and so Dwalin took him on nearly every one. The two dwarves were accompanied by many others from the village and they spent full days amongst the forestry, bringing back game for their families as well as extra to sell. Kili seemed to have few qualms about shooting animals now, though Dwalin noticed the few times he faltered while aiming at rabbits, especially those with white fur. Even still, he never missed a target, and with each shot he aimed to kill. The lad rarely smiled, his face relatively stony, and Dwalin feared the other dwarf had lost all semblance of his childhood innocence to his life in Ered Luin.

On this particular day, game was sparse. The cold winds and soft snowfall made it difficult to find food at the best of times, and at current the weather was nearly frigid. Kili even had his boots on, which he only wore if absolutely necessary to keep his toes intact. The hunting group grumbled and groaned about the lack of food they were returning with, and how families were starving with the harshness of winter. It was tough to keep their families fed, and even tougher to make coin in these times. More than ever, Dwalin missed the wealth of Erebor.

They had just given up, starting on their way back to the village when Kili knocked Dwalin on the shoulder and pointed between some trees. An elk stood, majestic and silent, nearly blending in with the surrounding forest, and Dwalin beckoned the group to be silent and crouch down. Kili was the only archer amongst them, and a single movement would have the animal fleeing away into the snowy hills. Though Gloin could throw his axes well enough, this target was a bit too far, and Belri's daggers weren't long enough to guarantee a kill. And they needed it to be a kill.

Kili stood unmoving, the soft wind flapping his cloak slightly into his body and blowing his dark hair away from him. Snow clung to his eyebrows and eyelashes as he stopped blinking and stared intensely at the beast through the trees. It was seamless the way he drew his arm up to grab an arrow, and then nocked it soundlessly. The dwarves held their breath as Kili's bow creaked with the strain of the pull. If Dwalin didn't know better he would have thought Kili but a statue, carved from iron, solid and stationary, immune to the rest of the world. But all he had to do was look at the scar on his face to know Kili bled, and breathed, just as any other dwarf did.

Kili released the arrow with a whoosh, his hair following its path, and the dwarves heard the hit within seconds. The elk staggered and skipped once, then twice, before giving up, and falling to the ground in a soft heap. By the time they had reached its body, it had stopped breathing, and the dwarves slapped Kili on the back and congratulated him on a good kill. The young lad smiled bashfully before hooking his bow across his back and helping tie the elk to a branch. Dwalin eyed the slight lift at the corner of Kili's mouth and patted him heartily as well. Perhaps it was not too late after all; perhaps Kili would be just fine. Though as they walked away, Kili's eyes were drawn to the blood where it dripped and left a trail in the snow, and the smile was washed away in the wind as quickly as it had come.

* * *

Time passed by quickly from then on, and much of it was spent either at the forge, in the forests hunting, or at the taverns in surrounding towns celebrating and partaking in good cheer. Dwalin brought Kili with him just about everywhere, keeping an eye out, and making sure he stayed in good health. The hunt had been particularly successful that day, despite the snowy weather. Dwalin figured Kili alone must have shot down the better part of the forest. The dwarves relished in the feeling of gold clinking in their pockets for once, and took a much needed night out on town.

_The Fish and Folly_ was one of the most frequented taverns in Gondamon. It was filled, mostly with men, but the barkeep was fair and he never turned away gold, no matter where it came from. The dwarves took to some tables in the eastern corner, acting their usual rowdy selves, and starting up a song as they slapped their mugs on the table. Kili sang along with a smile on his face and laughed as Dwalin chugged down what must have been his seventh or eighth ale. Some of the men in the tavern even joined in their singing, enjoying the jolly spirit that came from the group of dwarves. Many of their families were fed that eve thanks to the dwarven hunting party, and the men showed little hostility as a result.

Kili drank just a few ales, keeping some of his coin for later use, in case game began to prove sparse in the coming days. He knew Dis struggled to keep just the two of them fed and cared for, and even that Dwalin occasionally helped with money from the forge. So for once Kili wanted to do everything he could to help. He took little pleasure from celebrating, his thoughts almost always veering towards his brother. Kili had always figured his first ale would be drunk beside Fili, the two of them laughing together in a tavern merrily as they drank the night away. But here he was, on probably his hundredth or more over the past few years, and not once had his brother been beside him. Not physically at least.

There was one other reason Kili drank little in the eves. As soon as he took one too many, the shadows began to take form. His brother's image, not the real one mind you, but the dark and twisted form that appeared in his nightmares, haunted him. He could see it in the corners of taverns, in the alleyways in the streets, sometimes standing just behind the other dwarves. And it stared at him, never blinking, until Kili scrunched his eyes closed and willed the images away.

He could tell he was getting just a little drunk…the room had blurred slightly, and sure enough, he saw it. The strange dark form just in the corner of his eye, but when Kili turned quickly to look it was gone, and he figured it was best to stop before it got any worse. Feeling just a little bit tipsy, Kili tossed a brief glance at Dwalin. The other dwarf was red faced and howling loudly at a lass the next table over. She seemed interested enough, and as Dwalin pulled yet another ale up to his lips, the liquid dripping down into his beard, Kili stood and vacated without bothering him. He would just step outside for a minute, get a little air, and return before the other noticed his leave.

Kili pushed his way through the crowd, apologizing occasionally when he bumped an elbow or stepped on another's foot, but for the most part it was easy for him to navigate between the much larger bodies of men. When he reached the frigid air outside the tavern Kili heaved a sigh of relief, and moved around to lean against a wall in private. The voices inside faded to a soft rumble and Kili pressed his fingers to his temples and breathed in deep. The icy air was oddly calming as it blew onto his cheeks, and Kili allowed the cool temperature to ease his mind.

Kili chuckled lightly as he distantly heard the dwarves break out into yet another tune, Dwalin's deep voice recognizable amongst them. He hoped someday he could sing with such enthusiasm, and a carefree attitude, even during the roughest of times.

He froze suddenly when a dark shadow moved towards him from the entrance of the tavern. Kili thought for a moment it was the image of his brother, haunting him even here, but no, as the figure approached, it became clear it was just a man. He was fairly tall, probably a good two feet or more than Kili. He staggered across the ground, clearly drunk, though steady enough to make his way across the slippery snow-covered ground. His hair was dark, and plastered to his face, and Kili could tell even from his distance, the man was missing a few teeth.

He didn't feel even the slightest amount of worry, watching the man drag his feet, until he grew closer and clearly began heading in Kili's direction. The dwarf grew wary, tensing slightly as the man stood in front of him and eyed his body up and down, a little more focused than he was expecting. Kili regretted leaving his bow at home, though the dwarves rarely brought weapons into town. If a bar fight broke out it was best not to have any, so that wounds remained nonfatal. Besides, the dwarves could hold their own in a fist fight, and most carried at least one hidden dagger, tucked in a boot or pocket.

Kili tensed further as the man stepped uncomfortably close and he instinctively reached his hand deeper, into the small niche hidden inside his right pocket. Then dread washed over him as his fingers touched only his fur lining and he realized his error. He'd left his hunting knife at home, next to the pieces of fox he'd skinned earlier that evening. He took a moment to think things over. Kili's strength was not in brawling; he excelled at sneak attacks and ranged combat. And on those occasions where it was necessary, Kili was perfectly capable of driving a dagger into someone's gut. But fighting a man, with the size advantage, weaponless…the odds were not in his favor. Even if the man was drunk, Kili could not rely on him being weak in such a state. It was better to avoid any struggle whatsoever. He made his move, not bothering to even acknowledge the man's presence as he began slinking to his left and back towards the front of the bar, but a strong grip on his shoulder stopped him in his tracks.

"Where d'ya think yer goin'?" The man slurred, his breath rank with the scent of alcohol as he blew hot air onto Kili's face, his split lips moving far too close for comfort. The young dwarf twitched and tried to wrench out of the other's hold to no avail, though he still stood sturdy against the wall.

"Back inside, my comrades are waiting," Kili spoke steadily, doing his best to keep anger from consuming his voice. He'd learned much in his dealings with men over the years. It was best to stay calm, to keep control over one's emotions. Men liked the sight of another's struggle far too much, and lack of interest tended to frustrate and confuse them more often than not. Though his words seemed to have little effect on the man's raddled brain. He lent even closer, his mouth up against the side of Kili's face.

"I dun think so," the man spoke haggardly, and Kili could feel the other's spit hitting his face. He flinched a little at the cold droplets, turning his head slightly away. Kili could see the glow from the doorway around the corner lighting up the street, though not a soul left the building. And even if someone had exited, he was hidden in the shadows of the alley. Kili could shout, and someone might hear, but he did not want to make a ruckus or look cowardly to the other dwarves.

"Pretty little thing, aren't you," The man slurred, and Kili froze. Now that…_that was frightening_. He'd heard men whisper things about him on occasion, though never directly to his face. And words such as those led only one direction. Fear gripped his heart, and finally Kili realized the severity of his situation. He swallowed thickly then moved as quickly as he could, his shoulder slipping from the man's hand. But not a second later his front was pressed solidly into the dirty brick wall, the wind knocked from him as the man gripped him, this time with both hands.

"I said…I dun think so," The man spoke gruffly, and this time the air blew across Kili's neck.

"Let go," Kili hissed, doing his best to move his arms, and he was able, with some struggle to slip in the man's grip. But again it was no use without a weapon. He could not get far before the man caught him again and pinned him against the wall, and this time he felt the familiar press of a blade in his gut.

"Move, and I'll slice your skin from your bones," The man growled, pushing the dagger in deeper. And Kili felt the cold steel pressing into the skin of his hip, even through his thick layers of clothing. Then he flinched viciously when the blade pierced his flesh. Kili gasped loudly and clenched his eyes shut and then his head was slammed into the wall, _hard_. He couldn't think as pain blossomed in his skull, and suddenly his body went limp.

"Don't say a word you little whelp," he heard, and the words pounded in his aching ears. Kili vaguely recognized as his coverings were pushed down, and he shivered as cold air blew across his hips and thighs. The rush of feeling brought him back immediately and he fought for all he was worth. But then the blade was back, pressing into the same place on his hip, digging deep enough to draw a good amount of blood, and Kili trembled and stopped struggling. Any further and his innards would surely collapse and pour out onto the ground.

In that moment he hated himself more than ever before. He hated how scared he was, of a drunken man, he hated how weak he was, how worthless. He choked out a strangled cry, desperate now for anything, and then the man wrenched his legs apart with a knee and covered his mouth with his hand.

"Shut up," He seethed, and then Kili felt the blade move lower, to cut thin lines across his abdomen. They were smooth and clean, the knife dragging with precision from one hip to the other and tears filled Kili's eyes and dripped down the side of his face. The blade moved lower and lower, until Kili felt the first touch of cold metal between his thighs. He quaked as the other worked seamlessly, drawing line after line, decorating his skin with streaks of red. And then the knife was back, against his hip and the man was chuckling madly. It pressed again into the same wound and Kili nearly retched when he heard the sound of buckles unlatching behind him.

Coarse fingers pressed between his legs and Kili shouted out desperately, but his mind went foggy as his head was thrust into the solid tavern wall once more. He couldn't move his limbs, couldn't speak, as the man's fingers spread him and pressed inside his body. He whimpered at the intrusion, and his body quivered. His mind was screaming. No! No! This wasn't his one, this wasn't right! And he begged Mahal, to save him, to stop this torture, to make him stronger so he could fight back!

And then he felt the thick press of something else against his rear, and pain, just horrendous pain. This time he was screaming, and even the dagger pressing into his hip could not stop the wretched noises that came from his throat. His hands dug into the brick wall, the skin tearing from his fingertips. Then suddenly he was lurching forwards, as he was released from the man's hold. He collapsed against the wall and slid down it into a messy pile on the ground. His fingers slapped against the ground and dug into the snow there.

He could still hear screaming, though it was not his own, as only soft sobs escaped from his lips now. Kili scrambled against the ground crunching into his own body as his hands dragged through dirt, snow and blood. He could only imagine what else might have been there. And when he finally opened his eyes, and blinked his tears away, he saw something terrifying.

Dwalin hovered over the man's body, his fists, bashing into his skull. Kili watched wide-eyed as blood flew across the stone road. The man's body was a mess, limbs torn apart, face unrecognizable. Dwalin was disturbing in his anger. The cheerful demeanor he possessed within the tavern was long gone, replaced with searing eyes, bared teeth, and horrendous growls.

"He's not yours!" Dwalin roared over and over as he lifted the man from the ground and shook his body fiercely, but he was long dead, and did not hear a word of it. Still Dwalin worked, tearing limbs and cracking bones in a blind rage. Others were trickling into the alley at the ruckus, whispering and pointing, and then Master Oin was at Dwalin's side, pulling him away from the remains of the man. Kili shivered and sobbed before he fell to the side as nausea wracked his body.

And this time, he vomited.

* * *

Dwalin had never felt such anger. Even during the greatest battles, after watching his friends and family fall beside him, he had never wanted to kill with such surety. But the sight of little Kili, his prince, weeping, and bleeding…violated at the hands of such filth! It outraged him. And he had acted thoroughly on that fury. No amount of torture would ever be enough punishment for such a deed.

Rape, even among men, was not condoned. It was an evil act, and to touch a prince of Erebor in such a way, was completely outrageous. Kili was practically a child still! Dwalin wrenched his arms away from Oin, who was doing his best to calm him, though he was still panting like a savage beast looking for a fight. His anger faded however when he saw Kili's body slump from the corner of his eye, and he was at the other dwarf's side in a second. Dwalin wrapped his arms around the young dwarf's slim form, studying the damage done. Kili was a mess. The contents of his stomach clung to his jerkin from where he'd retched on the ground. His face was blotchy and tear stricken, his nose flared and his mouth gaping as his breath hitched with his cries. His fingers were practically skinned, and his hands white from the cold of the snow. And his body…was covered in bruising and blood where cuts streaked across his thighs and waist. It dripped between his legs ominously and Dwalin lifted the other dwarf into his arms and covered his nakedness. He clenched a fist in Kili's hair and pulled the other's head to his chest whispering apologies into the night air.

"My prince, I'm so sorry, so sorry," Dwalin whispered into Kili's hair, and his hands clenched even tighter. He should never have let the other leave his sight. He should never have brought him to this end of town. He knew the risks, knew what the townsfolk whispered behind their backs. But never could he have imagined this.

"Forgive me my failures," Dwalin begged, to Mahal, or to Kili he was not sure. There were so many he'd let down. He'd failed Thorin, who wanted only the best for his beloved youngest nephew. He'd failed Dis, who strove to keep her once innocent son happy and well. He'd even failed Fili, whom cared for his little brother more than any other. But most of all, Dwalin had failed little Kili. He could not protect the young prince, the one he sought to guard each day, the one he thought of as a son. His heart filled with an unimaginable pain, and for the first time in his life Dwalin allowed tears to fall from his eyes.

* * *

The days dragged and the nights even more so for Kili. During his waking hours he was haunted by memories, visions, and his own degrading thoughts. He berated himself nearly every moment of every day. Why wasn't he stronger? Why had he forgotten his knife? Why hadn't he just called out sooner? Why hadn't he run when he had the chance? Always his questions went unanswered, and Kili began to suffer for it. He ate little, worrying his mother and Dwalin a great deal, as well as many of the other dwarves from the surrounding villages. He was paler than ever, unfocused, and jittery. Movement terrified him. Even at the sight of a bird flapping its wings Kili would jump and skitter into the closest corner he could find.

When he went hunting, his bow shook unsteadily in his hands. He hadn't let an arrow go since before the incident, afraid of where it might end up. A tree perhaps, or the ground. Dwalin's back maybe, or one of the other dwarves' heads. Perhaps he'd shoot his own foot if he shook viciously enough. And whenever he smelt even the slightest scent of ale, he felt like vomiting where he stood as the vision of decaying teeth and split lips appeared in his mind.

The nights made the day seem like a friendly neighbour. He huddled in the farthest corner of his room, often watching the door ominously. If he lost focus but a little, the haunted form of his brother would appear to terrorize him. And if he slipped and closed his eyes for a moment he was lost in the world of horrifying nightmares, in which Fili's ghostlike form did not stop at merely taunting.

Kili crouched in the corner of his room, staring intently at his toes. His scabby fingers rest around his ankles and he fought desperately not to succumb to his exhaustion. He wanted to sleep, badly, but it was impossible in his state. His body stung, the cuts and bruises healing slowly even with the help of Oin's salves. His head ached and the slightest of noises rang uncomfortably in his ears.

Kili felt his eyes beginning to droop and he widened them quickly, rubbing at his face with the back of his hands. When he lowered his arms Kili jerked in surprise. Fili stood in front of him again, closer than usual this time. Kili's lip trembled as his brother crawled up on the bed towards him. He scrambled to move, but his limbs were tangled with the quilts and in the end he was trapped against the wall. He could feel Fili's breath against his skin, cold like a wraith. And then he spoke.

"Filth," he hissed, and Kili jerked. He couldn't take this, not from his brother, the one he…the one he loved more than anything, missed more than anyone. The one he _needed_ to be there for him. Kili's heart felt like it was breaking in two.

"Disgusting," Fili growled through his teeth, before reaching up to grip the sides of Kili's face. The younger dwarf gaped at the other dwarf in shock.

"It's your fault!" his brother shouted, eyes wide and menacing, and Kili sobbed. No, no, he'd tried to get away, he'd tried to stop it. He'd tried! Then Fili's fingers tangled in his hair and pulled, ripping it from his scalp. And when Kili lifted his hands to stop him, blood dripped from his fingers and he could do nothing but stare hopelessly at them as his body fell to pieces. Kili blinked, and the blood was gone, his brother was gone, and nothing but an empty, dark room lay before him. His fingers touched his scalp timidly, but no hair was missing.

He'd succumbed again, drifting off into the dream world. It was frightening how close his nightmares were becoming to his reality. He dreaded the day Fili returned, fearful that when their gazes connected he would see that frightful gray colour within his brother's eyes. And then surely the other dwarf would reach out, wrap his fingers around Kili's neck and squeeze until he no longer breathed. Kili closed his eyes for a moment, breathing once, then twice, before opening them again, this time with a heavy resignation.

* * *

Walking through the forest did not bring with it the same joy it once had. Kili no longer rejoiced at the sight of a cute animal hopping along through the leaves, nor did he enjoy the heavy feeling of his bow upon his back. There were few things that brought him happiness. He felt wretched, used, worthless. It seemed every which way he went there was someone leering at him, or whispering snide comments behind his back. Even the dwarves looked at him with pity in their eyes. He was shamed, ruined forever for his one. And Dwalin…Kili could not stand the way the other dwarf gazed at him. It was like the mere sight of Kili disturbed the other dwarf, and he hated it.

He breached the first layer of trees, beginning his trek into the thicker parts of the woods. But as per usual, Kili was not meant to find peace. Not far from him, just off the path, Kolbyr stood leaning slightly against a tree. He was smoking from a pipe, and the rankness of the smell filled Kili's nostrils as he approached. The herbs men smoked were not as sweet as the leaves Kili often saw Balin or Gloin smoking. Instead they smelled almost dusty, as though mixed in with dirt and leftover ashes.

Kolbyr had done little other than hiss insults in his direction for many years, along with most of the villagers and children from the town. Although none of them were children anymore. Kili was still young, barely beginning to step into the early stages of adulthood and he could see how quickly Kolbyr had aged in comparison. The other was more than halfway through his life, wrinkles forming on the skin of his face, hair turning grey and thinning.

The spite was visible in the eyes of men. Though they once mocked him for growing too slow, now they hated him for retaining his youth. But there was little a man like Kolbyr could do to Kili now, not while he was armed with his bow and various knives, no matter how shaky his hands were. Still…the memory of the man from the tavern touching his skin clung to him, and Kili could not help the small bit of fear that arose in his chest. Kili opted not to acknowledge Kolbyr at all, instead walking by at a steady pace, but sure enough, the man spoke to him anyway.

"I heard an interesting story this morning," Kolbyr voiced from his place against the tree. Kili continued walking, not even sparing the man a glance, but he heard the other push off from the tree and begin following along behind.

"Heard there was a murder in town a couple weeks ago," the man continued and Kili shifted his eyes slightly to the side. He could barely see Kolbyr's form moving behind him, gaining ground with his longer stride.

"A man slaughtered, by a dwarf," Kolbyr seethed, now walking beside Kili. This time when Kili glanced at him he saw a smirk on the other's face.

"Is that so…," Kili deadpanned, continuing at his leisurely pace.

"You wouldn't happen to know anything about it?" Kolbyr asked coyly and Kili didn't respond. After a few footfalls Kili startled at a light touch on his arm. He turned immediately and slapped the other's hand away from his body. Kolbyr seemed relatively unaffected, and he approached further with a grin on his face.

"Word on the street is he got led on by some whore," Kolbyr whispered and Kili looked at him, stricken by the statement.

"That's what you are, aren't you, just some whore?" the other implied, reaching to touch Kili along his side. The young dwarf flinched and backed away, eyes wide with fear. Kili studied Kolbyr for a moment then turned to walk away swiftly. Thankfully he did not hear footsteps following in his wake, but that did not stop the man from talking, and his voice carried easily through the trees.

"Surely you've heard what they call you," Kolbyr shouted and Kili closed his eyes but kept moving. Of course he had. He'd heard hundreds of different insults tossed in his direction.

"Freak," Kolbyr seethed, and Kili stopped. It was one of the words he hated the most. He knew he was different, even from the other dwarves. He didn't need a reminder.

"Stop it," Kili muttered, though it went unheard.

"Slut," Kolbyr mocked, and Kili's shoulders tensed. That was new, and disturbed Kili greatly.

"Shut up," Kili hissed a bit louder. He didn't want to deal with this; he just wanted some time to himself. Just a couple hours to forget what had happened.

"Incestuous," Kolbyr jeered and Kili turned around in shock, his mouth gaping a bit at the word. That hit a bit close to home. How did he know? Kili hadn't told anyone, not a _soul_! The only ones who might have known were Dwalin, and perhaps his mother. He knew that men frowned on such things. Besides, it was more like he loved a ghost than anything else. Kili had no idea what his brother even looked like now, what he acted like. And yet…a dwarf's heart never lied.

"Always whimpering your brother's name, like a damsel in distress, bet that's why he left you," Kolbyr implied, a grin forming on his face at the dwarf's reaction, and Kili felt his heart tear a little.

"No!" he shouted, hands shaking at his sides.

"Bet you disgusted him, he'll never come back, especially now you're nothing but used goods," Kolbyr chuckled and suddenly Kili felt incredible rage throughout his very bones. He pulled his bow around, and nocked an arrow faster than ever before and aimed directly at Kolbyr.

"Hey…what are you-," the man began, but within mere seconds, Kili had shot an arrow into the other's jerkin, pinning him to the closest tree. And that arrow was followed by four more, and then eight, until Kolbyr could barely move at all.

He nocked one last arrow, his arms steadier than they had been in a long time and pointed it at Kolbyr's left eye.

"Let me go you little shit!" the other screamed but Kili held his stance, his gaze penetrating the other's eyes until he saw a touch of fear within them. Let the man be frightened, let him truly understand what Kili was capable of.

"Don't ever speak to me again," Kili voiced, soft, but clear in the vacant woods. Kolbyr swallowed nervously, and Kili lowered his bow and began walking away.

"F-freak!" the man shouted once more from behind him. And Kili grimaced angrily. Three seconds was all it took for him to turn, to aim, to let the arrow go.

* * *

Dwalin found Kili sitting in one of the forest's many streams. He was slumped forwards slightly, his arms dragging in the depths, and his coat and boots were ashore where he'd ripped them from his body. The water was still ice cold from the harsh weather and Dwalin hurriedly rushed towards him.

"What the hell do yeh think yer doin!?" The older dwarf shouted, pulling Kili from wherever his mind had wandered.

"Your mother's worried sick; no one knew where you were!" Dwalin said and he tugged Kili's body from the water.

"Mahal, Kili, you're bleeding, look at yeh," Dwalin muttered as he gazed upon the other's form. There were long scratches trailing across his arms, and his face was riddled with tiny cuts, as though he'd gone at himself with his nails. One look at the other's fingers proved he'd done just that. Blood clung to Kili's fingertips, caking across the skin.

"Your face is a mess," Dwalin murmured, reaching up to dab lightly at some of the cuts. But Kili twitched away from his touch and pulled from his grasp.

"Don't look at me like that!" Kili shouted, eyes aflame with horror, and Dwalin studied him curiously.

"…Like what?" he asked, honestly confused and Kili choked on a sob and tears appeared on his eyes. Dwalin could tell the other was fighting heart and soul not to let a single one fall.

"Like you can't stand the sight of me!" Kili yelled, caving and wiping at his eyes with a wet sleeve. In the end it just left a long wet streak across his face. The younger dwarf was shivering from cold, his clothes soaked through, and his toes curled in the snow beneath his feet.

"Kili…that's not it at all," Dwalin said, moving in to start removing his soaking clothes.

"It's not you…it's…it's what he did to yeh, it makes me so angry," Dwalin explained, and he wrapped his own jerkin around the other dwarf's shoulders.

"How dare scum like that touch a prince of Erebor, I'd bring him back a thousand times only to torture him to his death. " Dwalin muttered, and Kili looked up at him hesitantly.

"It's not you that I can't stand the sight of. I just wish I coulda stopped it sooner…for you, for Fili," Dwalin finished and he rubbed at Kili's arms to warm them. The lad sniffled and looked down, lifting his feet one by one from the snow.

"Come 'ere, yer gonna freeze like that," Dwalin voiced, lifting Kili to rest the prince's feet atop his own covered ones. They hobbled over towards Kili's boots, and then the lad slipped them on over his frozen toes.

"I nearly killed someone," Kili muttered as he hunched to tie up the laces. He'd been so very close, he'd wanted to kill. At the last second though…he'd flicked just a touch to the right, and as a result the arrow missed his original target. It had however, grazed the skin at the side of Kolbyr's face, and Kili took great joy at the sight of blood dripping down the man's aging skin. Kolbyr had looked petrified, and that time he said not a word when Kili turned to leave.

"He said…he said Fili hated me, that he was never coming back," Kili lamented, and Dwalin frowned.

"He…called me a freak, a…a slut," the lad stuttered.

"You know you're neither of those, Kili," Dwalin reassured, and rest a soothing hand on the other's shoulder. Kili stared blankly ahead for a moment before looking up at Dwalin with worried eyes.

"…Incestuous," he whispered, and Dwalin tightened his hold before pulling the other dwarf to his chest again. Kili's arms immediately wrapped around him and his head tucked against the collar of Dwalin's undershirt.

"Men…they don't understand us, or our ways. You've done nothing wrong Kili," Dwalin calmed the other. He thought it unusual that a man had even recognized the bond Kili shared with his brother, very few knew about it. Even Kili had barely come to terms with it. A shot in the dark perhaps, or maybe he just wanted to hurt Kili. That was the most likely option.

"I…I dreamt that Fili hates me," Kili muttered into Dwalin's shoulder.

"That he blames me, thinks me disgusting," Kili hissed.

"Blames you? For what…the things that man did to you? He could never laddie, he could never," Dwalin spoke confidently. He knew Fili would feel just as much rage towards that bastard. Even the few years Dwalin spent with Thorin and Fili had proved how very much the older brother felt for his _little raven_. After all, Dwalin had been the one to ink him.

"His heart yearns for you just as yours does for him, I promise you that laddie," Dwalin ensured. Kili relaxed in his grip slightly and Dwalin took it as a sign to start leading Kili home. They walked side by side, at a leisurely pace, the only sound the crunching of their boots on snow and twigs. Dwalin looked Kili over diligently, reminiscing on the years past. The lad had changed so much in so little time, and the older dwarf wished he could do something to end his torment, and to see the carefree expression that Kili once held nearly every waking moment.

* * *

He was incredibly warm, though not uncomfortably so. His body was floating, and the soft swaying motion relaxed his mind. When he opened his eyes they met blue. The sky was clear, but for a few clouds, and the sun shone brightly upon his face. The warmth of the rays encased his entire body, and Kili stretched his limbs out meeting nothing but air, enjoying the free feeling of soaring above the ground.

He remembered laying in one of the empty fields near Falathlorn, just south of their home in the lowlands. Fili often spoke to him of the rolling hills reaching up to the skies. That it was possible to touch the sun from the highest points, at least when you were old enough and tall enough.

Kili gazed at the sun above him and reached an arm up, thinking it might just be possible one day. The sun's rays flickered between his fingers and Kili squinted as they took shape and descended towards him. He saw the bright form of a golden hand reaching out to him and Kili stretched, with both arms now, longing for the warmth of that touch.

When the shining fingers latched onto his Kili trembled. The ever present pain in his heart was lessened and he felt unimaginable warmth flowing through his veins. The fingers gripped his wrists and Kili closed his eyes as glowing arms wrapped around his body, encasing him in a brilliant embrace. He felt a gentle touch against his lips, and a comforting breeze upon his face as a deep voice whispered against him.

"Be at peace, little raven," it spoke, and with one last warm press of a kiss, the sun pulled back. And then he was falling, slowly, as the rays lead him back to earth.

"Brother…," Kili whispered blissfully, willing his eyelids to lift. He opened his eyes lethargically, blinking to adjust to the brilliant light. Above him two birds played in the air, flying beneath the white rolling clouds. And as they passed by, the sky cleared, and the sun shone upon him, surrounded by the clear blue of the sky. Kili moved his arms and legs out to the side, rustling through the thick grass. It was cool to the touch, and tickled at his skin. He rolled onto his front allowing the warmth of the sun to heat his back. And finally he pushed his body up and knelt atop the hill, a soft smile upon his face. The ghost Kili saw so very often was not his brother at all. How could he have ever confused that wraith for his beloved Fili? He would not make the same mistake again. The other dwarf was his Ûrzudel, and no matter where he went, his brother would always be there, shining upon him and warming his heart.

* * *

Dwalin leant over his drafting table at the forge and heaved a long winded sigh. He plopped his face in one of his hands and rubbed diligently at his aching brow. The dwarf's productivity had been practically non-existent for several months now, ever since he'd royally fucked shit up, as it were. Not only had Dwalin failed to protect Kili at a crucial moment, but he'd gone on to create a rather dramatic scene in the middle of the street. Men began talking, and that was never a good thing. Thankfully Balin had a swift mind and even swifter tongue. He had dealt with most everything by now. However it did not make the days any less stressful for Dwalin, and he just couldn't dredge up the will to work on anything. Not to mention, business had lessened considerably with the rumours about him.

Even with the improvement in the weather, Dwalin had not set foot at the training grounds in ages. Most of his time was spent doing just as he was doing now. Sitting, pondering for once, and regretting. He tailed Kili occasionally, but no one seemed to be bothering him much. The tales of a vicious murder at the hands of a dwarf probably kept most of the villagers at bay. And Kili didn't do much either. He'd seen the other staring listlessly, sleeping in unusual places, and wandering in his usual barefoot manner. Even the rare time Kili joined in on the hunt, Dwalin was pretty sure the other dwarf never shot a single arrow.

He wished there was something he could do, anything to bring back the carefree child he once knew. Though that was probably impossible now. Kili was tainted, and Dwalin knew the memories of that night outside the tavern would haunt him for years to come. The dwarf slammed his fist down on the table violently.

"Curse it all!" he shouted. If he could just get a hold of himself and do some damn work, maybe that would take his mind off of things.

"Dwalin? Are you busy?" he heard from the entrance to the forge, and he saw Kili peeking through the entrance.

"Eh, oh, not really, come on in," Dwalin muttered, moving some things around on the table in the hopes it looked like he'd been working and not dwelling on other matters. He jolted when Kili jumped up on the table to sit there, swinging his legs loosely back and forth. The other dwarf looked more at ease than he'd seen in ages. His face was a bit lighter, his eyes open a little wider, and the corners of his mouth weren't pulled down quite so far. In fact, Dwalin thought there might have been a hint of a smile visible on Kili's face.

"Well…what can I do for yeh?" The older dwarf grunted, giving up on looking busy. It was a lost cause, as he couldn't focus to save his life. The lad turned to him before looking at the items strewn about his work table. Kili's fingers ran across each weapon before he lifted a sword and looked at the hilt.

"Didn't I see this here last week? Not done it yet?" Kili asked curiously, turning the blade in his hands.

"It's a crap piece of steel is all," Dwalin insisted, as if that justified the length of time it held a spot upon his table. Truthfully Dwalin could have shaped any kind of metal, he'd certainly worked with worse before. And the sword in question had been there for several weeks, not just two, but he wasn't about to say that. Kili eyed him knowingly and to Dwalin's surprise the young lad even smirked at him and snickered before placing the sword back in its place.

"I've been thinking," Kili began.

"Oh no," Dwalin jokingly responded and Kili slapped his shoulder lightly.

"Shut up," the lad laughed and it was enough to bring a smile to Dwalin's weary face. Kili wrapped and arm around his body nervously and looked down at his feet.

"Am I old enough yet, for that tattoo…or do you think ma would still hunt you down and flay you?" the lad asked, and Dwalin looked at him with surprise in his eyes.

"Well…I'm not sure you'll ever be old enough to avoid that," he said, but at the forlorn look in Kili's eyes, quickly continued.

"But, I'm not opposed to taking the risk," Dwalin lent forwards as he spoke and picked up his sketchbook from the table before tossing it at the other dwarf.

"Flip to the back," he ordered, and Kili did so. The lad's eyes roamed the pages wildly and he let out a tiny gasp of wonder.

"See any you like?" Dwalin asked, and Kili looked at him and gave him a broad grin.

"These are amazing! I didn't even tell you what I wanted!" Kili exclaimed, his eyes quickly moving back to the ink covered pages. He flipped through several and stuck his tongue out between his lips.

"You said it was for…your Ûrzudel, once upon a time. Did you want something different?" Dwalin asked, not terribly worried. The excitement in the other dwarf's eyes spoke volumes.

"No! These are great. Especially the two on this page," Kili spoke quickly before turning the book towards the other dwarf. Dwalin peered at them, squinting his eyes slightly as he studied the sketches.

"Those are both smaller designs, I thought you wanted to cover your whole back?" He commented and Kili shook his head and put the book down on the table gently.

"Nah, I was thinking something a little more personal," Kili muttered, and Dwalin watched as the other dwarf lifted a hand to rest over his right hip. He seemed a bit nervous as he thumbed at the fabric in his shirt.

"Can you tattoo over scars?" Kili asked, his eyes wandering back to the other dwarf carefully. Dwalin studied him, following the movements of Kili's fingers. He knew exactly what rest beneath that hand, probably the deepest scar of the bunch. Dwalin shifted a bit, and leant forwards slowly pushing Kili's hand aside to grip at the fabric. It was testament to Kili's trust in him that the other dwarf didn't even flinch when he pulled it up to look. The scar was wider than it was long, but had faded to a solid white, and when Dwalin rubbed a finger across it the skin was rough, but not as bad as it could have been. Oin's salve really worked wonders, though he knew the mark would remain there forever. Inking the skin was feasible but he'd need to rework the designs a bit to accommodate it.

"…Aye, I think I could do that," Dwalin answered, pulling his hand away, and Kili gave him a small smile in return. Dwalin beckoned the lad closer as he began sketching out a new design to cover the shape of the scar, and Kili lent over the table beside him, though his feet touched the ground now instead of hanging as they once had. The afternoon was a pleasant one and each time Kili laughed or smiled, Dwalin knew time would eventually heal all, and someday Kili's spirit would soar high as the sun once more.

* * *

AN: So…this got long! Don't know if I should bother writing about Fili's end of things...I think it would be boring in comparison. What to do next...hmmm.

**Urzudel:** sun of all suns

**Kolbyr:** a Nordic name meaning _from the dark settlement_

**Peder:** A Swedish name meaning _stone_

**Belri: **Name taken from John's Dungeon and Dragon's Utilities (dwarf name generator). Someone else on here uses this (blackdragonqueen) so I thought I'd give it a try.

**The Fish and Folly:** a name I made up!

**Gondamon:** a town/settlement in Ered Luin


End file.
